How NOT to Write a Story or The Day Frodo Went Mad
by Blablover5
Summary: COMPLETEWhat would happen if the real Frodo found himself trapped in a Mary Sueish version of FOTR? Well, namely this story. Please R or R Sorry but you have to choose one or the other.
1. Chappie 1: A Good Place To Start

How NOT to Write a Story   
by blablover5

Disclaimer/Explanation: As most teachers and other various professional people who are trying to make a point say, teach by example. So therefore, I have decided to make a gigantic travesty of a fic. Because of this, flames are not only welcomed, but encouraged. It means I'm doing my job. You can take this as satire, parody, or a mediocre writer being lazy by not really trying that hard. It's up to you. If this keeps one Mary Sue fic from being written then I've done my job. 

Actually, I do not own a single syllable on this page. Nope I stole it all from a parallel universe of myself. Ah I wasn't using it. 

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Light shined through the yawning trees conjuring a red and yellow tint to the air. A slight wind brushed a pile of October leaves across the floor of the council room. Frodo took his seat, peering cautiously at the unknown faces, catching the eye of Gloin. 

Elrond raised a hand to silence the murmurs and spoke, "So folks, what's up? I here we got some bad mojo here in Ravendell. Gimli's father, got anything you want to whine about?" 

"Yes," Gimli popped out of his chair, wielding his axe, "we want to go claim Moria for our own! And we'll fight you all for it!" 

"Son," Gloin placed his hand on his son's shoulder, "sit down. We have received a message from Mordor asking of the hobbits and promising us some rings." 

"Yeah, that's what I said!" Gimli responded. 

Elrond glared at Gloin trying to place the old dwarf, but he shrugged it off, "So anyway, for no reason I am going to tell you the history of the ring. See you all remember Isildur. Yeah well he lost Sauron's ring, and that short guy over there found it." 

All eyes turned to Frodo who squirmed under the scrutiny, "Gandalf, I do not understand what is happening?" 

"Quiet little worm, it's my turn to speak," Gandalf rose slowly from his chair, his robes flowing behind him, "Stupid thing, I knew I should have asked Manwë to let me wear pants. Anyway, this ring must be destroyed. Because I said so, and that's that." 

"Perhaps you could elaborate on the issue with Isengard and Saruman, Gandalf," Glorfindel said staring at the old wizard. 

"Who the hell are you?" 

"I thought you knew me Gandalf. I am Glorfindel, an elf." 

"Huh, I thought you were dead. Look, the only two elves who can talk here are Elrond and Legolas. So shut up! Anyway, yeah it seems that Saruman of many colors (which was originally white, k) has turned evil. Someone else go," Gandalf slumped down into his chair, his bushy eyebrows forming a hood over his eyes as he made light snoring noises. 

"Um, excuse me." 

Elrond twiddled his hair through his fingers, "Yeah, what is it Boromir?" 

"Well I do not want to speak out of turn or anything, but my brother and I have been plagued by these dreams. Ah hem, okay there was some stuff in the beginning that didn't really have to deal with the dream at hand. I mean everyone has that attending fight school in just his underwear dream right? Anyway, there was this voice that came from the west and it said . . ." 

"It does not matter what it said. Isildur's Bane, that pretty little ring, has been found and Aragorn's going to have his sword remade." 

Everyone turned to look over his shoulder (which was rather odd as they were sitting in a circle) at a woman. Her long blond hair waved in the light breeze, causing her sea blue eyes to glitter. She had one ear that was pointed and another that was rounded. Smiling at everyone, she flashed two perfect rows of teeth shining in the setting sun. The woman was dressed in a green gown, making everyone yearn for spring and summer. Calmly she walked to the council, her smile never wavering. She sat quietly in a seat directly adjacent to Legolas, "Hello, my name is Peppermint (Pepper for short) and I am here because there is no way you can accomplish this task on your own." 

Never before had Legolas known true beauty, not counting that one time he peeked at his father's Playelf magazines, until he looked at the maiden across from him. "Duh, uh, Hi, I'm, um, um . . . Oh uh, what's my name again!" 

Elrond picked a piece of lint off his tunic, "You're Legolas, right Aragorn?" 

Aragorn nodded his shaggy head. 

"Now tell us why you're here," Elrond prompted. 

Legolas started to pull at his collar, "Well um, you see, uh. . ." 

"What Prince Legolas here is trying to shield from you is that he has lost the creature Gollum," Pepper said (That's peppermint, my own character remember) coolly staring Legolas in the eye. 

"That, that's right. Well not just me, I mean all of us elves in Mirkwood are somewhat responsible, if you look at it in a certain way. Um, see, a whole bunch of those uh nasty smelly guys came and took him and it all went bad see. Cause they tricked us, well them but not just them I mean . . ." 

"Well that's just great," Gandalf stormed, "Aragorn and I go to all this trouble and waste years of our lives catching that worthless maggot and you people just lose him without a second thought. What do you think Aragorn?" 

Aragorn shrugged his shoulders. 

"My thoughts exactly!" 

Pepper raised her hands up, trying to calm everyone, "Look Gollum is not a problem, in fact I believe that he shall have a much bigger part to play in this quest. Which, by the way you people had better think about getting to. We're not getting any younger." She illustrated this fact by tapping her watch. 

Elrond seemed to be roused out of a deep sleep, "Oh yes, well, according to our agenda next we need someone to volunteer to take the ring to Mount Doom. Anyone?" 

Everyone at the council looked down or up, trying to avoid Elrond's glare, "Look people we are not going anywhere until someone answers my question. Now, who is going to take this ring and probably get himself killed? Bilbo? Wait, where is Bilbo?" 

"I do not believe he knew he was invited Master Elrond," Frodo glanced around at all of the company with their heads bowed, some of them even whistling. These were the people whom the fate of Middle Earth rested upon? "I really should think about moving," the Hobbit thought. Frodo's rumbling stomach reminded him that the hour was late and lunch was awaiting him. "Look," he said, still staring at that odd woman who was now making kissy faces at Legolas for no good reason, "I have carried the ring this far and have not come under its spell. I could take the ring to Mordor." 

Elrond jumped out of his seat, the fastest move Frodo had seen him make since he got there, and shook his hand, "Well thanks a lot. Here's a map to Mordor, the ring, and I suppose I could assign a couple people to go with you. You know just to keep you company and all. Anyway it shouldn't be that big of a deal, I mean at worst you could get a bump on the noggin or somethin' like that." 

Gandalf glanced down at Frodo, who loosely clutched the map and ring in his hand, "Whatever." 

"What pickle have I gotten myself into?" Frodo asked himself. 

"Um sir," Sam called out, "I seem to be stuck in the bushes. I could use a little help."   



	2. Chappie 2: All Roads Lead To An Exit

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Idiot's I mean author's notes. 

Okay, like I realize that in the movie, I mean book, the next scene involves Frodo getting his glowie sword and armor from that old Hobbit, but who really cares about that. It's not like the mail will matter later. So instead, let's focus on what Leggy was doing those moments before the fellowship set out. 

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Legolas stood next to the falls adjacent to his room. His fingers rippled through the cascading water. "Ooh, it looks like my hand is huge." 

"A hem." 

Legolas spun around and saw Lord Elrond, "Yes?" 

"I have just come to tell you that everyone is about to set out." 

"Oh, okay. Um, I was just wondering if I needed to leave. I mean I just got done traveling here and you know, now you want me to leave and stuff." 

Elrond placed his hand to his brow, "For the last time we need nine people to equal the number of black riders." 

"And I uh make nine?" 

"Well, we did look into Glorfindel, but he's busy. Something about a Balrog. Gloin just wants to go back home, and I have Arwen painting the house this week so she's out." 

Legolas stared at the hand drawn picture on his nightstand, "I just don't uh want to leave her. She's so special to me." 

"Who, Peppermint?" 

Legolas glanced up at Elrond, taking him in fully, "Who?" 

"You know, that girl who wandered into our council and that obviously you thought was so beautiful." 

Legolas gave him a blank stare. 

"Oh come on, after we adjourned for a nice lunch of ham and chips you and her started making out by the fountain." 

"I have no idea what you are talking about. Anyway, how can I um leave my kitten you know all alone at home?" Legolas passed the picture to Elrond. 

"Legolas, this is a picture of a well? You know maybe we should rethink letting you come along," Elrond's day was not getting any better. He still had that whole traffic issue to deal with not to mention those damn protesters were back. Like it was all his fault taxes were too high. 

Suddenly Legolas stood up proud and tall, "No, you are right. This, this company needs me. They need someone to um make fun of the fact that they have to deal with the cold, someone who can stop and break out into song at any moment. They need uh me." And with that, he raced out the door down towards the courtyard. 

"You forgot the picture of your cat!" 

  
Oh during this time Aragorn had his icky sword rebuilt or whatever, and Frodo stole a bunch of stuff from Bilbo. Whatever.   



	3. Chappie 3: Gondor's Orange Rhino

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Fellowship has left Ravendell and is going south.

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Sam walked slowly over to Bill and snuck him a small carrot he kept stashed in his pocket. "Just between us," he whispered to the pre-packaged pony. 

Merry and Pippin sat dejectedly on the ground, each staring wistfully at the leaves in front of them wishing they would erupt into flames (The leaves not themselves. Although that would make them warmer). Aragorn appeared quietly behind them distributing blankets. A tattered and frayed piece of fabric hit Merry square in the face. In a flash, Pippin wrapped his grubby hands about it. Merry would have none of this, as he started to tenderize the younger hobbits mid section. 

Frodo looked back from his gaze over the threatening mountains to catch the two Hobbits wrestling on the ground, "Now come on, we're supposed to be working together." 

Merry got in a good jab and responded, "Why did we even bring him along. All he's going to do is fall in a hole somewhere and become Hobbit chow for a wolf." 

"Not if I give them you first," Pippin responded as he wrapped his mouth around Merry's wrist. 

"Oh for the love," Gandalf raised himself slowly from an oak stump. In a quick move, he whacked the two Hobbits on the back of the head with his staff, "knock it off, or there won't be no blankets for anyone. Where the hell is Legolas?" 

Boromir looked up from his hands, "Oh well, I believe that Aragorn had sent him forward to try and scout out what possible problems we could stumble blindly into. Perhaps some Orc scouts or another wolf. Something of that nature. He seemed to believe that Legolas could use his elf eyes to see farther and discern evil better." 

"I'm still here," Gimli interrupted trying to remove his axe from the side of Gandalf's stump. 

"Good, go and find him Gimli." 

"What?" the dwarf stared at the old man's wrinkly face. 

"Look, you're no use to us here, go off alone into the dangerous forest and find the missing member of our company." 

Grumbling the entire way, Gimli shuffled off in some random direction, melding into the forest. No one watched him leave. 

Aragorn lightly nudged Sam in the ribs, "What? Oh right. Last night Aragorn and I saw some birds. He seems to think they were scouts or spies or something. Right?" 

He turned to look up at Aragorn, which took quite a strain on his neck. The Ranger simply nodded. 

Gandalf looked at the two for a moment, one mothy eyebrow slightly raised, "Okay, time to head off into additional danger." 

"What, why?" Frodo chimed in forgetting about his plan to rip Merry and Pippin's shared blanket in half with Sting, "We do not know if these birds were in fact spies or not. Shouldn't we simply take the safest road and put off on imminent danger until we are certain?" 

Merry got in another kick to Pippin before Frodo pulled the blanket out of their hands and held it aloft. 

For a moment Gandalf thought about simply hitting Frodo in the head with Sam's frying pan, "Because we must take the mountain Caradhras. It will be cold, wet, and treacherous, but there is no other way. And I said so." 

Aragorn roughly cleared his throat, causing a death glare from the old Wizard. "Look, do you want to lead these band of misfits to almost certain doom?" Gandalf asked. 

"Certain doom?" Frodo's face paled. 

Aragorn shook his head and averted his gaze. "No? Anyone else want to be leader? Shut up Boromir. Anyone? Good. Now let's hit that mountain." 

At that moment, Gimli's boots came crashing through the forest, his axe chopping down any vegetation in the way. He poked his head through a rather thick bush and said, "I couldn't find him." 

Gandalf turned and stared at the dwarf, "Find whom?" 

"That stupid elf, Lego-my-eggo, whatever his name is." 

Gandalf turned his head to the left side and looked down for a moment, "Oh that's right, I remember now. He's just a few yards that way," he pointed his bony old finger behind Frodo, "He said he needed a special light to re-fix his hair or something, I wasn't really paying attention." 

Gimli snarled, trudged through the foliage into the makeshift camp and threw himself onto the ground. The rest of the fellowship packed up and were just about the leave when Boromir noticed that Gimli was still sitting on the ground, "Get up Master Dwarf. Gandalf has determined that we shall take the more treacherous path and probably freeze to death on the mountain." 

Gimli looked up at everyone for a moment, his eyes connecting with Frodo -- who was peering warily at the rest of the fellowship, "I don't care what my Dad says, I knew I should of just killed you all in your sleep."   
  
  


Little note for RAM: I don't usually do this but since you were one of my faithful reviewers here is a link to my finished MST. Warning it's very long (add some w's here) geocities.com/blablover5/fics/   



	4. Chappie 4: Because It's There

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Frodo's fingers clung icily to Gandalf's cloak. The wizard's hat acted as a windbreak, standing straight up siphoning the speckled wind to either side of Frodo's face. A thought struck the Hobbit, "Where are Merry and Pippin?" 

Gandalf paused for a moment, his boots sinking deeper into the snow, "What?!" 

"Pippin. Merry and Pippin, where are they?" 

"Ah crap," Gandalf shrugged off Frodo who landed face down into a drift, "Boromir, where are the other two anklebiters?" 

Boromir looked up and stared begrudgingly into Gandalf's eyes, "I am not sure. I was not placed in charge of watching the two hobbit's activities. The last I saw of them they were still bickering over who should be allowed to carry the beloved food and who should not. Perhaps Aragorn knows where they are hiding?" 

Aragorn shook his head: a resounding no. 

Gimli, who was currently on the bottom part of Sam's totem pole spoke up, "I have no idea where they are, but I'm right here." 

"Thank you Sam, but that does not answer our question." 

"Hey Hobbit," Gimli yelled between mouthfuls of snow, "Your turn to carry me." 

Legolas' head appeared suddenly from around the corner. He caught his breath and prepared to slide back down the slope on his stomach for the fifth time when Gandalf caught his arm. The wizard had a huge clump of snowflakes in his eyebrows but he didn't seem to care, "Legolas, what's happened to Merry and Pippin?" 

"Well, uh, um, the last I saw of them. They had, um, you know, they were trying to climb the mountain. So they, uh, well um, like they tried to do something different and they were. . ." 

At that moment a pair of small hands burst through the snow between Gandalf and Legolas' legs. This was followed by a shaggy head of hair and the recognizable face of Merry, "I told you Pippin, we need more air holes." 

There was some scratching and various curse words before Merry's face slipped back below the white stuff and replaced by Pippin who was breathing heavily. After taking a few quick gulps of air, he vanished again into the snow tunnel. The two started scratching furiously at the snow beneath the rest of the fellowship's feet, but all that could be heard was a small voice saying, "See I told you so." 

"Yeah yeah, just keep rubbing it in Merry. Next time we practically tunnel off the cliff I'll make sure to let you fall." 

Gandalf clapped his hands together, which was rather odd to see as he was still holding tightly onto his staff, "Well, they're fine. Let's keep moving." Then he hefted Frodo up onto his shoulders and trudged on.   



	5. Chappie 5: When Things Get Sticky

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Okay as you all know the mountain crossing didn't work out so the fellowship had a big meeting and decided to actually listen to Gimli and go through Moria. Well that's all boring so I'm not going to show that. Instead here's where the real story begins right after that squid thing (Watcher if you don't speak idiotic writers language) has trapped 'em in the mine. 

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For the third time Frodo's feet slipped forward while the rest of his body tried to remain standing. The hobbit hit the ground with a thud, scraping his knee on the rock floor. He paused for a moment, wishing he could see in the dark enough to discern if he was bleeding. The lapse went unnoticed by the rest of the company and Boromir tripped over the crouching hobbit and slid across the ground straight into Gandalf, who was none too pleased. 

The wizard spun on his heels, the tiny ounce of light from his staff distorting his face into a demon, "What the hell was that for?" 

Boromir picked himself up rather quickly, offering immense apologies to Gandalf. The wizard brushed him off and tried to ignore his droning voice. Instead he walked over to the crouching lump of Frodo and shoved his staff in the Hobbit's face. "Well?" he asked. 

Frodo looked up and then back at the others. He was surrounded by angry eyes and annoyed sneers, "I can't really see, none of us can really see that well. This is the third time I have fallen. It just happened that Boromir could not stop in time. Perhaps we could all do with a little more light?" 

"Oh of course Master Ring-bearer," Gandalf crooned as he leaned against his staff, "Goodness knows we wouldn't want you to be depraved of anything. So sorry for not being considerate to your needs." 

"No, that's not what I meant," Frodo tried to stop Gandalf's tirade, but it was no use. 

"We'll just have to risk death and destruction from goblins or orcs or whatever else lurks within these depths because Frodo wants a lighted path. Fine," with a bit of strain in his voice, the light from Gandalf's staff increased greatly almost blinding a small creature that was hiding back from the fellowship. "I hope you're happy, baby." 

Gandalf turned back and reassumed his position as leader. Everyone started his slow and shuffled walk towards certain doom. On the plus side, Frodo thought, at least my knee isn't bleeding. 

After a few agonizing moments, as ears whether pointed or not listened for sounds in the dark, Gandalf came upon a door barely hanging from the wall. "Well this looks like a good place to stop, everyone in," Gandalf said as he pushed every member of the fellowship into the dark place. 

Frodo was the first one to enter and he could view his surroundings, as there was actually light. Small areas of the room were illuminated from high windows carved into the mountain wall. Situated in the middle of the room was a large white slab, the likes of which Frodo knew he would never want to move. But that was not the most surprising part. Sitting on the white granite, holding onto his axe and chanting, was Gimli. Frodo did a quick double take looking back at the rest of the fellowship as Gandalf threw them into the room and then at the swaying dwarf. 

Frodo was at a loss for words, but his Sam came to the rescue, "Gimli, what are you doing here?" 

His bearded face rose for a moment looking at the two hobbits, "I've always been here." 

Boromir spoke up, "Well not always. I mean I remember vaguely that you had been somewhere near me a few days ago, but then I lost track and no one else really seemed bothered so I did not say anything. So in a sense we could never really say we have always been somewhere as we are always moving to somewhere else . . ." 

Finally Aragorn, with Pippin in tow, hurried into the room. Gandalf, his job finished, joined the rest of the morons. He took a quick survey of the room and silenced Boromir, "Where are we?" 

Gimli spoke up, his face still downcast, "My cousin's tomb. He, the great Ba . . ." 

"Fine, whatever. Let's make camp," Gandalf interrupted as he threw his hat at Pippin, easily covering the Took's head and shoulders. 

Gimli rose quickly from the ossuary, his axe blade shimmering in the weak light, "But this is my kin. How can you desecrate his memory?" 

Sam walked over to the dwarf and draped his arm around him, "There there, it will be all right." When he started to pat the dwarf's back, Gimli became subdued (although there still was a bit of grumbling on his part) and joined Gandalf. 

Frodo took this moment to speak quietly with his friend, "Sam, I do not mean to sound conspiratorial but it seems as though everyone within this company is acting rather odd. You do not believe that the enemy has something to do with this do you?" 

Sam turned his head sharply, his curly hair whipping about his face; "Shut up Frodo, no one cares what you think." Then he stalked over to Merry and turned his back to Frodo. 

Frodo simply watched him go, his jaw set in awe. He shook his head in disbelief but this caused dirt and grit to puff out from his hair. Dust entered his nasal cavities, building up to one hell of a huge sneeze. 

AAAaaaahhhh-Chhhoooooooooooo!! 

Frodo's sneeze rattled through all of Moria, bouncing amiably until it hit an unknown person's ears. A small gasp escaped from the corner directly behind Frodo. Out from behind the rubble tumbled a mass of legs and arms. Frodo's eyes grew exponentially large as a girl beat dust off her legs and looked up at the Hobbit's face. 

"Hi," was simply all she said. 

Frodo stumbled vaguely for the hilt of Sting, and without dropping it, managed to wave the sword in front of the girl's face. "Who are you?" he asked looking directly into her eyes. 

Gandalf stood up almost instantly, "Oh great, just what I thought. I warned you people but would you listen oh no." 

"What is that?" Frodo asked his eyes trained on the girl in front of him. 

Gandalf did not know what he was referring to, or didn't care, and said, "Orcs are attacking." 

"What?" Frodo finally looked down at his dagger and noticed the bright blue flame engulfing the blade. 

Gandalf fired orders off left and right, "Boromir, barricade that door." 

"But if I do that then we shall be trapped in here . . ." 

"I don't have an hour to listen to your ramblings just do it. Aragorn, go guard the east door. Legolas, you're on arrow duty." 

Aragorn nodded curtly and removed Anduril flawlessly. Legolas opened his mouth and started to make a few inconceivable sounds but a glare from Gandalf quieted him. Instead he jumped up onto Balin's casket and began to thread his bow. Gandalf herded the Hobbits, who were relatively calm. 

"Gandalf," Frodo said, Sting still trained on the intruder, "what about her?" 

Gandalf looked up and for the first time noticed whom the blue blade was pointed at, "Oh don't worry about her." 

"But, but, I ­ can she be trusted?" 

The girl ignored the sword pointed at her throat and stuck out her hand, "Hi my name's Maralyn but most people call me Mar for short." 

Frodo stared at her hand, not sure what to do. Gandalf yelled, "Drop the sword, and get the hell over here." 

Boromir, who was holding the door with a little help from Gimli, was throbbing as something large rhythmically hit the door. Frodo walked backwards toward Gandalf and the other Hobbits who were now playing Quarters on the floor. He would not let his sword drop but it did not seem to bother the girl too much. 

"So, like who are you?" 

"That is none of your concern," Frodo answered as he crouched next to Balin's tomb. 

WHOMP! WHOMP! WHOMP! The door was beginning to give way. Boromir jumped away from the door, and Gimli tried to follow but a scaly hand wrapped around the back of his shirt. 

An arrow flew millimeters from his head and struck the arm. The owner shrieked and yanked it back. Gimli raced back and calmly thanked Legolas to the best of his dwarf abilities. 

Legolas looked down for a moment at the dwarf, "Actually I um, I, uh, I was just practicing by aiming at the top of the door. I really kinda didn't mean to hit that poor guys arm, but I I guess you're welcome anyway," then the elf fitted another arrow into his bow and tried to pull the bow string forward as opposed to back towards himself. 

The door seized again and for a brief moment no noise could be heard. Then in a gasp, splinters flew toward the group, and a drove of Orcs raided in. Gimli took after the leader, his axe biting into heads and shoulders. Legolas tossed arrows at the charging Orcs, a few feathers hitting them in the eyes. Boromir became entangled in the corner and Aragorn raced to his help. 

Frodo gritted his teeth and steadied his arms, waiting for the attack. Mar looked over at him and said, "You know, you're kind of cute." 

Frodo looked over at her, his fear turning to anger, "Now is not the time!" And with that, he launched into the melee. 

Orcs poured in, despite Gimli's attempt to decapitate them all and Boromir's long talks about peace and prosperity. A rather large one with bad teeth and greasy hair waded his way into the group of Hobbits now enjoying a good game of Scrabble. He raised his scimitar, the black blade aimed at Sam's head, and steadied his aim. Frodo burst through and caught the Orc just below the chest armor. This only wounded the rather mean bad guy who now had an excellent position to gut Frodo. Gandalf noticed and brought the hilt of his sword onto the Orcs head and kicked him in the groin. 

This was enough to get the other hobbit's attention, who each looked up. "Frodo," Sam said, "we are trying to play a game. Would you keep it down?" 

Frodo found himself subconsciously rolling his eyes as he turned around to face more foes. He came face to face with Maralyn who was now staring closely at his eyes in an inquisitive manner, "Do you like wear contacts or are your eyes really that blue?" 

Frodo did not even know how to answer that question. Instead he grabbed onto the girl's shoulders and shook her, "Do you realize that we are in the middle of a fight for our lives?! You could die! We could all die! All you do is ask me the most pointless questions? They could gut us like fish!" 

The girl brushed back a lock of her blond, no wait red, hair and stared absently at Frodo, "Oh you mean those guys. Hang on a sec." Mar turned around and raised a piece of metal from her pocket into the air. All of the Orcs stopped whatever they were doing and stared at her. In a voice like an orchestra tuning up he commanded, "All right, now all of you leave and take your icky cave troll with you." 

To the shock of everyone there the Orcs actually did in fact turn and leave the room, a few even offering to help Gimli and Boromir off the ground. The final Orc quietly shut the door on the way out. 

Mar turned back to Frodo and said, "Okay now that they're gone can I ask you my questions?"   



	6. Chappie 6: Thus Spach Gandalfazuria

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Gandalf looked over at Aragorn, who still nobly guarded the East door, "Well we're safe now. Let's leave." Aragorn nodded at the wizard and helped Boromir off the floor. He was none too happy, having his meditation interrupted, but a glare from Aragorn was enough to get Boromir moving. 

Gandalf nudged Gimli out the door with his staff and called, "Legolas, get the hobbits and get out of there." Then he passed through the door with a cursing Gimli in tow. 

Legolas put away his bow and jumped off the tomb, "We, we really need to think about leaving. Come on, Gandalf's waiting for us and all. I, I think we need to leave now." 

Frodo turned most of his body away from that girl Mar, or whatever she chose to call herself, Sting still trained on her. He walked slowly to the door, Mar practically hanging on his arm. Frodo thought briefly about pushing her down the stairs and running, but the looming presence of Gandalf right outside the door prevented him. 

The other hobbits for the most part seemed to ignore the world around them. "Hey Merry, do you have any vowels?" 

"Nah Pip, go fish." Pippin grabbed a stone and threw it across the floor. He then jumped up and skipped across the room. 

"Uno!" Sam yelled out. 

Legolas stammered at the three hobbits, "Now come on, we really need to, uh, be leaving now. And I think we should leave. Now." 

Merry finally noticed the elf, "Ah, come on Legolas. I almost have their queen. We can't quit now." 

"Yeah I thought you were cool," Pippin called from a corner. 

"GET OUT OF THAT BLOODY ROOM OR I'LL SMASH YOUR FACES IN!" Gandalf roared from the door. 

The wizard's threat was enough to get everyone moving and finally the fellowship left the much-ransacked tomb. Gandalf paused in front of the door and held his arms out, readying to make some closing spell. Suddenly the Wizard paused and looked around. His eagle eyes spotted something and he piled rotting wood against the door. When he was finished, he wiped his hands off. 

"Do you think that will hold?" Frodo asked, very concerned as the door opened towards the inside. 

"What the hell do you care," Gandalf picked up Frodo and started running down the stairs. This surprised Frodo enough that he dropped Sting. He was about to say something when Mar suddenly popped up next to him, Sting in her hand. 

"Ha ha, uh. Would you, uh, would you give that back to me?" Frodo asked, his hand shaking as he reached out for Sting. 

Mar looked at his hand and then shrugged noncommittally, "Sure, whatever." 

As the hobbit bobbled in the wizard's arms, Mar passed his sword back. As soon as it was in his hands, Frodo turned the weapon back on the girl who didn't really notice. In fact, now she was skipping forward to join Aragorn and then back to Legolas, as the company raced down the stairs. 

"Gandalf," Boromir called out, "I believe we are coming close to the bridge of Khaza-doom. By that I mean that I can see a small bridge at the end of our run, which I am assuming is our intended target." At that moment, a small chanticleer hit Boromir in the face, interrupting his train of thought. 

Orcs crawled out of the high windows to launch an air attack at the fellowship. All kinds of known fowl descended upon the group. A small teal hit Gandalf's hat and settled there. Frodo ducked to avoid being hit by a pheasant. Merry and Pippin grabbed a hold of a goose and Sam stuffed it into his pack for a late supper. Legolas paused to take aim, but all of the down feathers were playing havoc on his allergies and the watery eyes prevented him from seeing beyond a few meters. 

"We must move," Gandalf hollered out, "I fear they are preparing their cow catapult." 

Mar was leaning down, trying to pick up a rather pretty feather that had fallen onto the stairs, when the fellowship kicked it into overdrive and almost squashed her. The bridge of Caza-dum was close, so Gandalf dropped Frodo and told the little pipsqueak to run. Quickly, the hobbits raced across the narrow bridge a few even pausing to hopscotch across. Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir took the crossing at a slower pace, the thought of looking down never entering their minds. Gimli was lead across by Mar, who kept insisting that he not be afraid. 

"Madam," Gimli answered, "I am not afraid of heights. For God sakes it was dwarves who built this place!" 

"It's okay," Mar said, "I'll help you." Finally, everyone was across except for Gandalf who did not seem to be in any hurry. 

Gimli turned and yelled at him, "What, are you waiting for a bus? Get the hell over here!" 

At that moment, the wall behind Gandalf gave and fire burst through. But it was fire with a clear shape like something out of Poe. It lowered its mouth at Gandalf and bellowed at him. This was enough of a hint to get the Wizard moving. He flew across the first half of the bridge and paused, turning around to face the fire monster. 

Pippin nudged Merry and said, "See I told you it's true." 

"Yeah yeah, so I owe you five bucks big deal." 

Frodo looked over at the younger hobbits, "What? What is true." 

"You know Frodo," Pippin explained, "that old urban legend about people who buy cute little Balrogs but once they tire of them, flush 'em down the toilet. They say the Balrogs end up in Moria where they grow into adults." 

The Balrog roared again and raised up onto its back legs, its wings flared out. Gandalf steeled himself. He jammed his staff into the stone bridge and waited. The Balrog approached, one foot slamming down and shaking the whole of Moria. Another foot came down, and Gandalf snapped into action. 

The old Wizard produced a plastic pistol from behind his back. He pulled the trigger and water spewed forth. The Balrog was hit right in the face and it cried out in pain. The creature stepped back and Gandalf surged forward, stopping only to pump up his water gun. Finally, the pain was too horrible to bear. The Balrog jumped off the bridge and fell into obscurity. 

Gandalf turned to face the fellowship and gather up his staff, but on the way across his boot hit a patch of water and the old man slipped and fell. As he plummeted off the bridge he cried out, "I can't fly you fools!" 

Aragorn watched the Wizard plummet and caught onto Frodo before the hobbit could race back out to the bridge. Frodo tried to kick him and hit him, anything so he could be let go, but the Ranger shifted the squirming hobbit onto his shoulders and turned to depart, "Come, we must leave." 

Each member of the fellowship turned away from the bridge and headed after Aragorn. Mar skipped and pranced happily behind them.   


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Review Response: Here's where I review all of my reviewers! 

(Before you all jump down my throat, and I understand why you would, I asked each of these people if I could do this and these people said yes.) 

Mbradford: So you think you could never flame me? What are you a lying chicken, because I see this as a flame. You know, whenever you applaud loudly you kill millions of spores, and these spores could grow into living beings. How can you do that to these little spores? Just because I write a story, that some consider to be a Mary Sue, does not mean that I am foolish. Perhaps you need to get a dictionary to find what foolish means. Then you'll see that I am not a clown. I only wear big floppy red shoes on the weekends! I am sorry that you keep coming up blank, but I will have you realize that I missed thousands of ways I could have made my story better! Any one else would have noticed this! I've had enough with talking to you and using exclamation points, so I am going to stop now! 

Madmartigan: I am sorry that you think my story, which I have spent almost thirty minutes of my life on, is so hilarious. I try to present to the world my own personal input on the LOTR movies, I mean book, and all you can do is laugh. I am shocked and appalled at how heartless you are to other writers. However thank you for noticing my extensive descriptions ala how easily people can tell Legolas' hair color. 

Emerald Griffin: I am glad that you were so moved by my story that you considered it painful when you came to the end. I have never heard my work described as being so moving that it can make the little hairs on the back of a person's neck rise before. That one review was enough to make me run off and simultaneously abandon five stories almost exactly like the one I have written. Thank you for being so brutally honest unlike the flamers above. 

(In all reality thank you Mbradford, Madmartigan, and Emerald Griffin for taking the time to write out a review and for letting me poke a bit of fun at you. This was so much fun I might do it again.)   



	7. Chappie 7: Running on Empty

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The broken group walked for many miles through open grasslands before Aragorn became tired of carting Frodo around and called for a stop. Boromir and Aragorn dug a small pit and scattered dead grass and leaves about. "Are you making a fire?" Frodo asked. 

Aragorn looked up from Boromir's really cool stone that could have been an arrowhead, "No. Why would we do that?" 

Frodo tried to explain how the pit could be used for a fire, but Aragorn and Boromir had tired of their first hole and were on to another. Frodo shook his head and looked over the rest of the group. Legolas wandered towards the rushing river and vanished over the horizon. Gimli thought about telling the others for a moment, but decided against it. It's not as though they'd listen to him anyway. Sam and Merry collapsed onto the ground and passed out before Legolas was gone from sight. Pippin found a rather knobby stick lying in the grass and after warding off a few imaginary trolls started poking the two sleeping hobbits. 

"Quick, someone get me some shaving cream," Pippin said. 

Frodo, still recovering from the shock of losing his old friend, plunked onto the brown grass and stared off into the distance. His brain hung in limbo never really wanting to focus on a single thought for fear of the emotions it could drudge up. A slight itch brought his hand to his face and he realized his cheeks were drenched in tears although he could not remember crying. 

"Hey Frodo, want to suddenly know everything about my past?" Mar called out cheerily as she sat down next to the small hobbit. 

"No I really don't . . ." he wasn't fast enough to stop her (a very common problem with Frodo). 

"Well, let's see. I don't really come from this place, I mean I'm from the real world that's in the future. That's where we can nuke food in a microwave and have moving ad's on buildings," Mar said as she stared at Frodo, causing the Hobbit to shiver uncontrollably. 

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Frodo said, but it couldn't stop Mar (see, what'd I tell you). 

"Yeah I'm an orphan. At least I think I'm an orphan I don't really remember my past. I think I got a knock on the head and that gave me amnesia. Strangest thing, I can't remember my name or where I'm from or any of that. All I know is that that mine needs a good janitor." 

"But I thought you told us your name was Mar how could . . ." Frodo attempted to ask. 

"My parents never understood me. Sometimes I think I was switched at birth with another baby. Sure my sister was so perfect and all, and everyone loved her, but I could do neat things too. Magic things. In the real world I could change the channels on the TV without using the remote, just a long stick." 

Frodo finally quit listening and tried to focus on Boromir and Aragorn who had now dug themselves about twelve different holes. This did nothing to stop Mar. 

"I guess I'm so glad that I slipped into that garbage chute. It gave me a chance to get away from my dangerous time so I could come here and relax. Of course maybe it wasn't the garbage chute I should be thanking, maybe it was this magical fork I found in an archeological dig in Egypt," Mar held up that metallic object she had used to deflect the Orcs, "Well whatever it was, it can never help me remember what my name is . . ." 

Frodo gave up trying to dissuade her, stood, and walked away. Mar kept on droning as though he had never left. With no destination really in mind, Frodo made his way to the river. He slumped down and sprayed a good deal of water onto his face. 

A loud splashing caused Frodo to look up. He saw Legolas jumping and skipping in the water. His tunic was soaked through but he kept on cavorting in the river. When the Elf hopped his way to Frodo, he stopped splashing, his face falling into a frown instantly. "What's, what is the problem Frodo? Girl troubles," he said as sagely as the elf could pull off. 

Frodo massaged his forehead, "Not really Legolas, I am beginning to question whether I am the right person to pull off such a dangerous quest." 

"Well, uh, er, Frodo, you can't let your attraction get you down." 

Frodo started, "What?! What attraction?" 

Legolas ran a few feet onto shore and sat down to empty out his shoes, "You and Mar. I, uh, It's so obvious that you, um, like like her. It's just such a shame that you can't have her." 

"Legolas, she is a danger to the entire fellowship and our quest. I do not understand why no one else is worried about her. If I had it my way she would have been left at Moria with her Orcs." 

"Now now Frodo, calm yourself down. I can, uh, I can see that you need a little advice with your women troubles, and I 'm um going to help you out in the only way I know how: a song." 

Frodo put up his hands trying to stop the elf but it was too late. Legolas walked in between two trees, which Frodo had not noticed before. The sunlight shone between them directly onto the elf. 

Legolas stood calmly with his head bent and sang:   


Here's my story, it's sad but true   
It's about a girl that I once knew   
She loved to follow me around   
Enough to scare me out of town   


A light drumbeat began and the other hobbits, along with Gimli, came kicklining behind Legolas. They were all wearing little black tuxedos and top hats. The hobbits happily sang, "Hey, hey Bumbadidadida" continuously behind the song. Gimli stood there staring dejectedly at his attire. 

Legolas came in with a long inclusive "Whoa." The Hobbit kick line called out an "Ahhhh" leading Legolas into more lyrics:   


I should have known it from the very start   
This girl would not let us be apart   
Now listen Frodo what I'm telling you   
A-keep away from-a Runaround Sue 

She's so shady perfect and pretty too   
It's enough to make you wonder what she's up to   
So if you don't wanna scream like I do   
A-keep away from-a Runaround Sue   


Legolas began to dance back and forth as the hobbits put on an interesting bit of choreography themselves. Gimli got pushed close to Legolas and the elf took this chance to remind him by hitting the dwarf in the head with a sword. Gimli mumbled out a "Bumbadidadida" and tried to get in step. Another round of "Ahhh's" from the group and Legolas was back, a microphone somehow appearing in his hand:   


She likes to travel around, yeah   
Never can she be put down   
Now Frodo let me put you wise   
Sue goes after certain guys   
Here's the moral and the story from the guy who knows   
I'm full of fear and my fear still grows   
Ask any fool that she ever knew, they'll say   
Keep away from-a Runaround Sue   


Legolas leaned towards Frodo face, causing the Hobbit to inch backwards and spoke the lines:   


Yeah keep away from this girl   
I don't know what she'll do.   
Keep away from Sue   


The entire dancing and singing group joined in for the last chorus:   


She likes to travel around   
Never can she be put down   
Now Frodo let me put you wise   
She goes after certain guys   
Here's the moral and the story from the guy who knows   
I'm full of fear and my fear still grows   
Ask any fool that she ever knew, they'll say   
Keep away from-a Runaround Sue   


The hobbits and Gimli spun around in circles to the closing music before disappearing off to somewhere. Legolas dropped his arms and the sun passed behind a few clouds. He asked Frodo, "So, do you understand what I am saying?" 

Frodo, whose jaw was working double time, mumbled out, "Yes, I should have jumped off that bridge with Gandalf."   



	8. Chappie 8: Vini, Vidi, Vicki

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"Hey Aragorn, you're never gonna believe this huge worm I just found. It has to be almost ten feet long and I'll bet it could take on a whole city with its arms tied behind its back," Boromir called out from deep in one of his holes. Aragorn jumped down into Boromir's hole to inspect his earthworm. Everyone else in the fellowship, aside from Gandalf since he's dead and all, had vanished leaving Boromir and Aragorn alone to dig their holes. 

"That could be a were-worm," Aragorn said encouragingly. At that moment, a loud 'Whumf' echoed from above. The two men peeked their heads out of their hole. They found a rather lanky blonde man lying on the ground. The man pushed himself up and started to rub his legs, looking for any pieces of shattered bone. 

A voice rumbled from the trees, "Oh various Gods, this has not been my day. I told you guys we shouldn't have brought Jinxy." A pair of arms appeared out of the tree, then slowly another man, much larger than the one who had fallen from the tree, lowered himself to the ground, "Get the hell back to the forest George, you're no good to us here." 

George looked over at the two men still in their hole, and for the first time Boromir and Aragorn noticed the rather steep ears. He was either an elf or had gotten himself trapped in a mechanical rice-picker when he was younger. George turned and left the group. The other tree elf raised his bow and pointed an arrow first at Boromir's head then Aragorn's. "Now," he said, "I would love to kill you both right where you stand, but the Lady wishes to know why you have come to Lothlorien. You'd better come up with an answer really soon or you're going to find yourselves stuffed and mounted in my hunting lodge." 

Boromir cleared his throat, preparing for a very long-winded answer to the Elf's question when Legolas and his singing troupe appeared over the horizon. Gimli saw the arrow, pulled out his axe, and ran towards the danger. Unfortunately he had been away too long and did not know Aragorn and Boromir had dug up almost the entire area. The dwarf tripped over some piled up dirt and fell face first into one of the deeper holes. He hit squishy mud and, aside from some soft bruising, escaped unscathed. Gimli scrambled to his feet and attempted to climb out of the hole. His size made it impossible for him to walk out and the sides were so smooth he kept falling down. Finally, out of desperation, the dwarf called out for help but everyone else was a little busy. 

Legolas, who showed a bit more discretion over Gimli, walked around all of the holes. When he approached Boromir and Aragorn, he held his hands up to show he had no weapons. In doing so, a dagger dropped to the ground. He'd accidentally forgotten that Merry asked him to hold his sword while he went potty. "Legolas," Aragorn said, "where did you get to?" 

"I, uh, um was off with Frodo. He needed some cheering up so I sang to him." 

"Oh, did it help?" Aragorn asked, completely ignoring the arrow almost shoved up his nose. 

Legolas looked over at the other elf, then back at Aragorn, "Well, I er, think it, um, might have helped, but I uh can't really be . . ." 

"For Krishna's sake, tell me why you are here or I'll spilt your skulls in half and use your brains to bait my numerous wild animal traps!" 

"Well why didn't you say that in the first place?" Aragorn said. The elf almost released his arrow on principle, "We are here because we can't be nowhere." 

The elf did not lower his arrow nor show any reaction from Aragorn's response (which was a lot better than what he could have done), "My name is Haldir, and you are Aragorn of the Dúnedain if I am not mistaken." 

"Sometimes," Aragorn said. 

"And even though I would like to gut you all right now, the Lady wishes me to bring you to her palace for an undetermined amount of time." 

Aragorn climbed out of the hole, "Okay," was all he said as he offered a hand to Boromir. 

Frodo, who walked cautiously over with Merry and Pippin and regrettably Mar skipped next to him never shutting up, spoke up, "Wait a moment, how do we know we can trust this Elf?" 

Haldir, with his arrow still trained on Aragorn, pulled his sword and held it to the halfling's throat, "What makes you think I am untrustworthy?" 

Frodo felt the warm blade's point up against his throat and tried to stutter out a response, "We cannot, well, just trust anyone we meet now." 

Haldir looked over at Mar, who was now chasing butterflies around the grass, "What about her?" 

"Oh, well actually I've wished to be rid of her ever since Moria." 

"Ha," Haldir laughed aloud. The Elf sheathed his sword and patted the Hobbit on the shoulder, "You think a lot like me little one, I think I like you." 

Frodo, who was very surprised by the sudden turn of events, gulped out a, "Thanks." Then he put a bit of distance between himself and Haldir before he asked, "but could we convene a small conference to decide what choice we should make?" 

Haldir glared down at the Hobbit, which made Frodo squirm, then said, "Sure." The elf walked back towards the trees, twirling his sword around himself. 

"He seemed nice," Merry said, drawing a glare from Frodo. 

"What are we to do now?" The ring-bearer asked. 

Boromir, who was now out of the hole but looking at a flat piece of ground longingly, asked, "What's the problem?" 

"An unknown elf drops out of a tree and holds the two of you at arrow's point until we agree to follow him deep into the woods?! We could be captured and imprisoned, or worse we could even be killed. I believe that constitutes as a problem!" 

Legolas spoke up, "Now Frodo, I uh realize that you've erm had some issues with Elves and all. Considering Bilbo's capture and his problems with my people but that really shouldn't uh make you you know assume that all elves will try and chain you up." 

"Yeah really Frodo," Merry chimed in, "You're giving all us Hobbit's a bad name." 

"But we do not even know who this Elf is!" Frodo said. 

"Ah," Pippin said, "You forget that he knew Strider's name. You know him don't you Aragorn?" 

Aragorn shrugged his shoulders and furrowed his brow. "I meet so many people with so many different names. I don't know. Maybe I met this Haldir at a convention once, but I can't really remember. It took me almost three months to remember all of Gandalf's and I think he's only told me half." 

At that moment, a huffing Gimli approached the group. Only with a helping hand from Sam could the dwarf get out of the hole, "Why don't we just kill him?" 

"Because," Boromir answered, "It would not be nice to try and terminate a man or Elf who is simply trying to offer us a way through the woods. Would you want to try and kill someone who is only trying to help you?" 

"If he's as ugly as that guy, yeah." 

Haldir, who had chopped down almost ten saplings during their discussion, returned at that moment, "So have you made your decision yet?" 

"Yes, we're coming with you," Aragorn answered, eliciting a sigh from Frodo. 

"Good," Haldir answered, "come with me." The large Elf led the mostly willing fellowship deep into the forest. Frodo grudgingly followed but he dropped to the back to keep an eye on everyone. 

"So," Pippin asked Haldir, "are there going to be any rides or games? I have almost a bag full of tokens." 

"What? What are you talking about?" 

"Oh oh," Merry chimed in, "Do you know if Mickey Mouse will be there with Daffy Duck. I've always wanted to meet them." 

"Look," Haldir answered, "I am sure that I do not want to know what you are talking about. Now if you do not stop talking I will be forced to rip your tongues out and use them to paint my house." 

"Hey Haldir," Pippin asked, "are we there yet?" 

"Yeah, are we there yet?" Merry asked. 

Haldir snarled at the two Hobbits, "What did I just tell you?" 

Pippin said, "'Cause I have to go to the bathroom." 

"Oh it has not been my day," Haldir rubbed his temples in pain. 

"Hey Haldir. . ." 

"Look, just shut up!" the old Elf raged. 

"Oh Haldir . . ."   



	9. Chappie 9: We'll Leave A Light On For Ya

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The fellowship was ferried through the woods of Lórinand fully blindfolded, under Haldir's orders. There really wasn't any reason, he was just sick and tired of being looked at. Frodo managed to keep his footing along a surprisingly smooth path but the others seemed to be having troubles. Mar kept tripping up, causing her to crash into Frodo's back. After the fifth time, the Hobbit grew weary and asked Haldir for some assistance. The Elf pushed the girl to the back towards Gimli and Legolas and Frodo up near Merry and Pippin who were now playing another game sure to get on Haldir's nerves. 

"Okay Pip, I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter . . . D." 

"Um, oh oh I know it's darkness!" Pippin exclaimed. 

"Right, your turn," Merry said. 

Aragorn walked stiffly next to Haldir and conversed in some form of Elvish. "¿Tan cómo está colgando?"1 

Haldir responded with, "Me pregunto a veces porqué incluso rodé fuera de cama."2 

"Sí, el despertar con nada pero las ramitas alrededor puede ser un dolor verdadero en el asno,"3 Aragorn said. 

Sam was helping Boromir, who was nursing a wound from a digging accident where trowel hit flesh instead of dirt. The fact that he could clean and re-bandage the wound all while blind was a real testament to the Hobbit's medical training. Oh course where he got that training in the first place is the 64,000-dollar question. 

At the back, Gimli and Legolas were getting on each other's nerves. "Haldir, Gimli is peaking!" 

"Oh really," Gimli responded, "and how could you tell?" 

"Well I uh um used my magic elf powers to see through the blindfold," Legolas said. 

"And where exactly did you pull that answer out of," Gimli said while crossing his arms. 

"Why, you you're a stinky head!" 

Just when Haldir's last nerve was about to be spent, the blinded company came upon the heart of Elvendom on Earth. (They really needed a shorter name. It could barely fit on the city limit's sign) Even though Haldir wished he could keep everyone blindfolded and lead them off a cliff, he followed the Lady's orders and removed the constraints. The leg shackles had been a bit much. 

As the darkness slipped, Frodo gasped, seeing gigantic mallorn trees. The golden leaves caught the dying sunlight creating a magical glow all around the company. Never before had Frodo seen such beauty in the world. 

"Hey Merry," Pippin called out, "I'll bet you you can't climb that tree!" 

"Oh yeah, just watch me," Merry ran towards the closest mallorn tree which made an ant out of the Hobbit, but was stopped by the quick hand of Haldir. 

"Sometimes I wish the trees would grow legs and squish you like bugs," Haldir said. "All right, I have finally brought you to the Lady's land. She wishes to see you in her council. So, keep following me exactly like you have for the past couple of hours." He led the group rather quickly up the stairs built around the tree's trunk. The Hobbit's had the worst time of it, needing to stretch their legs to the furthest reach to make it up a single stair. Legolas offered help, but a glare from Gimli stopped the elf and he joined the men high up the top of the stairs. 

The taller members of the fellowship passed through a hole dug into a large stand on the branches. Mar was the only non-Hobbit who did not have time to have a quick bite to eat and a short nap before the entire fellowship was gathered in the Lord and Lady's room (Currently home to the traveling Middle Earth Museum's collection of Ancient Valar artifacts. Be the first to view a timber from Earendil's boat). Frodo was the last to climb through the hole and was amazed at the large house hiding in the trees. At this height, he could make out numerous rooms speckled throughout the tree's branches. To the entire right side of him though, he saw a large white tarp draped over roofs. 

"It figures," Pippin said noticing Frodo's focus, "we finally come to the Golden Wood and over half of it is under construction." 

The last glows of the sun passed beyond the horizon and the Elves pulled out tubes the length of a man's arm. They flipped the black switch on the tubes and as light poured forth they hung the tubes in the trees. Haldir had a bit of trouble and needed to whack the back of his flashlight a few times before it finally worked. 

A small hand waved forth from behind the curtains hanging behind the two large chairs at the back of the room. (Did I forget to mention those, well they're back there) Haldir saw the signal and called out, "May I present to you the Lord and Lady. That's it, I'm outta here." With that, Haldir descended the stairs and was NEVER seen by the fellowship again. 

From behind the curtain a tall man with silver hair solemnly walked the length of the room. His face held the look of youth, but his eyes were clear and sharp as a newly forged sword in its first battle. The man paused a few feet in front of the fellowship and peered at everyone, "My name is Celeborn . . ." 

"No one cares," came a cry from behind the curtain. The voice's owner was known as a woman hobbled out, her back bent at a low angle. She pointed a knotted finger at Celeborn as she made her way forward. Her face, with its golden ring of hair, had the same youth as Celeborn; but in her eyes was a blank stare as though she had not a thought in her head. 

"My Lady, I," Celeborn looked first at his wife then back at the fellowship, "This is the Lady Galadriel." 

"Yes, and I want to know why there are nine of you here. Last time I read the script it was eight. There better not have been another bloody script change," Galadriel glared into Aragorn's eyes. 

"Yes milady," Aragorn said, "you see we discovered the young girl just before Gandalf fell." 

Galadriel looked around, her eyes settling on Mar. 

"You see, uh," Legolas piped up, "Gandalf came up against a er Balrog of, um. . ." 

Galadriel waved her hands, "Ah it doesn't matter. Who are you?" 

"Me?" Mar answered, "My name is Maralyn but most people call me Mar." 

"Please tell me your entire life history," Galadriel said, her voice becoming soft and light.   
  
Mar launched back into that confusing mess that Frodo was forced to suffer through. It took so long Celeborn and the others nipped out for a glass of mead and ale, and were back before she was half finished. This included Merry getting it in his head to try and ride the mechanical bull and a trip to the emergency room. 

When she finished, Galadriel smiled then said, "You're a stinking liar." She started to rub circles into her temple, "I am picking something up. Something about your past. Something shocking that will make all the readers drop their jaws. Ah, you are not human." Galadriel smiled brightly at that news, "No, you are an elf. Your parents just thought you had goofy ears and looked into plastic surgery." 

"Really? Cool." 

"There is more. Your mother is dead." 

"Ah these things happen," Mar answered. 

"But before she died," Galadriel continued, "she gave a little squirming bundle to me, and said that I should protect it because she was really busy with yoga and stuff. Oh remember that Celeborn, you said she was pure evil or something and sent her off to Mordor where she belonged." 

The male Elf sighed and said, "I suppose those morons got mixed up and sent you to the real world huh?" 

Mar, who was always a bit confused and now was no different, answered, "Yeah?" 

"It's not the first time we've had this problem. See I told you my dear we need to hire some better help." 

Galadriel ignored her husband and continued, "Oh and if I remember right your real elvish name is Culeregdôr. Or something like that. Your mother had terrible handwriting." 

Frodo's vague haze from the immensely stupid conversation before him was broken at the mention of that elvish name, "That means that your name means 'golden-red thorny land?'" 

"Yeah, your Mum wasn't very good at naming things too," Galadriel answered. 

"If I had it my way I would have named her Mythomaniac (n. A compulsion to embroider the truth, engage in exaggeration, or tell lies)," Frodo said under his breath but it was enough for Sam to hear. 

"Frodo, do you care about anyone but yourself?!" Sam turned and walked towards Merry and Pippin, who were trying to pry up the floor boards (searching for Lorien's lost gold), away from Frodo. 

"Well," Galadriel said, "Now that we've got that taken care of, I'm off to my bridge game." 

"Wait my dear," Celeborn said, his hand reaching up to stop his wife, "we must still deal with the doom that has been brought into our land." 

"What?" 

Celeborn sighed, "You know, what the Hobbit carries." 

She turned at looked blankly at Frodo, then her husband, "We never talked about that!" Galadriel turned to walk away again. 

"The ring, the bloody ring," Celeborn yelled. 

"The what?" Galadriel asked again. 

"Just read their minds, so I can go have some tea and a scone." 

Galadriel stood up straight and looked her husband in the eye, "You want me to what? Do you have any idea what's going on in their perverted little brains? Oh no, I ain't going there. That one," she pointed over at Aragorn, "has got his mind always set on my granddaughter. And that other man is thinking so much about peace I want to order his long and painful death on principal. Not that the elf is much better, all he's focusing on is a traumatic moment in his childhood where he was supposed to give a speech and was so scared he passed out on stage. Don't even get me started on the halflings," after that tirade, Galadriel turned from the gathered group and fled back to whatever lay behind the curtains. 

Celeborn shook his head sadly then looked up at the two elf guards who had been flanking the group for quite a while, "Look, just get them a place to stay, we'll deal with this later." 

One of the elf guards spoke up, "Um sir, due to our reconstruction we currently don't have any open rooms." 

"Then put them down on the ground," with that Celeborn stalked off to go and convince his wife that she needed to take her medicine again. 

1. "So, how's it hanging?"   
2. "Sometime's it not even worth rolling out of bed."   
3. "Yeah, waking up on nothing but small branches can be quite a pain in the ass."   



	10. Chappie 10: I Do Not Like Them Sam I Am

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Aragorn's POV (Point of View) 

We couldn't take it anymore. Could you really blame us? One day is fine, two can be livable, but after two weeks of nothing but singing we had to do something! I warned Legolas about letting on that Gandalf had fallen but would he listen, oh no. He had to say something, give the elves just a little opening and it's all over. I mean I knew it would be bad, hours upon hours of constant singing in those high pitched little squeals only elves seem to make, but I thought for sure that after a few days even the Silvan tree huggers would tire of singing. It's now been two weeks and the only people who have been able to get any sleep are the Hobbits. That is only due to Master Samwise and his ability to take on any forehead with his frying pan. Gimli's snoring we could deal with, but . . . 

"Hey," the dwarf called out, hanging delicately from a rope and tackle positioned in the tree, "I do not snore. I only make night noises so you won't forget that I am there and step on me. Again." He glared over at Legolas who averted his gaze. 

"Aragorn," Boromir, who was directly under Gimli (Not a place anyone wants to ever have to be), spoke up, "Are you sure we really need to be doing this. I mean, it's not very nice. We could always try asking them to be quiet between the hours of dusk until morn. At least while we are trying to rest." 

"No, no, no," Legolas answered standing on a branch, "I mean uh I've known elves to you know go on partying for days on end, but even, even their voices are starting to get on my uh nerves. And that um says a lot." 

"You know, that doesn't really answer the question I posed," Boromir said. 

"Fine you peace loving hippie," Gimli said, "You go off and tell the elves that we don't like their singing. We'll cut your drawn and quartered body down tomorrow." 

I raised my arms up to try and quiet the squabbling, but all that did was cause my footing to slip. I grabbed onto the branch quickly. When my heart beat returned to normal I said, "All right, now that is quite enough. Let's just try and get along until one of our bodies is riddled full of arrows. Legolas, can you see either of the Hobbits?" 

The elf peered through a narrow hole in the tree branches, "No, uh not really. Wait! I believe I see a furry foot. Either they have returned or the squirrels are fed growth hormones in Lorien." 

The branches below the group's feet shook as though the tree were ticklish. Then a small head popped out followed by another face. "The task is done," Merry said, "Now will someone help us out of here. Pippin smells like a dead donkey." 

"Oh yeah, well you smell like a vomiting monkey," Pippin said. 

"Like you know what a monkey smells like," Merry countered as Gimli pulled the two Hobbits through, almost ripping their arms off. 

"Look," I asked, "did you dump it all into the water supply?" 

Merry looked at me and said, "Yep three pounds of Gaffer's five-alarm chili powder is circulating through the Elves as we speak. We should sleep well tonight." 

~~~   
Meanwhile in a forest not far far away . . .   
~~~

  
Frodo, who was nursing a rather large bruise on the back of his head, took no part in the fellowship's sabotage. Instead, he chose to take a rather nice walk around the forests of Lothlorien to try and clear his head. He came across rows of blooming elanor and thought to pick some but decided against it. Celeborn had been very specific on not touching any foliage, unless it attacked you first. 

When he was coming around a bend in the river, Frodo spotted Sam sitting in the water. The hobbit looked as though he was asleep. For a moment, a fear of attacking willows gripped Frodo, but he shook it off to nonsense. Trees eating people, what a silly notion indeed. 

"Sam," Frodo called out and walked towards his friend. 

The hobbit did not look up but instead sighed deeply and said, "What is it Frodo? Did you get a splinter or something? Are people ignoring you again?" 

Frodo's eyes grew, "No Sam, I was simply wondering what you were doing?" 

"Simple, I'm sitting. Am I not allowed to do that anymore? Man Frodo, sometimes I wish you would care about someone else except for yourself just once." 

"I, uh, Sam, is there something that I have done to offend you?" 

Sam turned his head around and looked at Frodo, "If I have to tell you, you will never know." 

At that moment, the Lady of Light came upon the two hobbits with a small girl in her company. "So what you're telling me Galadriel is if I use my magical powers all kept inside this fork I can one day rule all of Middle Earth." 

"What?" the lady cupped her hand around her ear and leaned into Mar, "Oh yeah that's right. We're all pretty much screwed and destroying the ring is basically pointless because you have so much more power in that metal object. You could easily destroy us all." 

"Cool." 

The Lady looked up and saw Frodo, who stared at her with a stricken look on his face. Galadriel smacked herself in the forehead, "I almost forgot. That damn mirror. Frodo, come with me. You too other Hobbit." 

"Well I'm off to take over the world and all," Mar skipped away twirling the fork in her hands. 

"So," Galadriel looked at Frodo and waved her hands towards herself, "are you coming or not?" 

"Sam, I believe we are being called." 

"Yeah call yourself," he muttered under his breath, "I think I'll just go back to our camp. I hear we can finally sleep without fear of brain contusions tonight." Sam got up off the ground and walked back towards his gear. As he passed Galadriel he gave a small bow of the head and a, "Ma'am." 

"Well, let's go," Galadriel said. Frodo looked around for a rescue but as none was forthcoming he followed the Lady of Light. Galadriel led Frodo to a small grove droning the entire time about her granddaughter. Frodo never wanted to know as much as he now knew about Arwen. 

"So potty training was a bit difficult with Arwen, and we had to try different measures . . ." Galadriel paused as she spotted three women dressed from head to toe in black with big ugly warts on their faces. They hovered over her silver mirror that was now bubbling and frothing over. 

All three women chanted out, "Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble." 

Then the second woman to the left started in with:   
"Fillet of a basilisk snake,   
In the cauldron boil and bake;   
Eye of newt and toenail of Warg,   
Wool of bat and tongue of Balrog,   
Adder's fork and Wizard's sting,   
Dragon's leg and Eagle's wing,   
For a charm of powerful trouble,   
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble." 

The three women were going to go another round with the "double, double toil and trouble" but Galadriel ran into their coven waving her arms about, "Get the hell out of here. Shoo, damn witches. I keep telling Celeborn we need to call the exterminator but he won't listen to me." The witches flew from her attack and were not seen again until a man named Will Shakespeare was born. 

"Anyway, hang on," Galadriel dumped the bubbling concoctions in her basin onto the ground, then turned to the faucet behind the pedestal. She filled up a silver ewer while speaking to Frodo, "I cannot tell you what you will see when you look into the mirror." 

"But I do not want to look into the mirror," Frodo complained. 

"Things that were, things that are, and something's that have yet to . . . oh shit!" with Galadriel's attention elsewhere, the ewer had run over. Disgusted she dumped the water into her silver basin and returned the used ewer back to the dishwasher, "I swear we go through like ten of those things a day. I really need to get something disposable. Anyway, Frodo, peer into the water." 

"I really don't think that I should," Galadriel gave the hobbit a smothering look so he gave up protesting and glanced in. "All I am seeing are these small wiggling lines in black and white." 

"Oh great, reception's out again. Stu, get out here," Galadriel called, "Trust me on this if you're going to live in a forest get cable. Satellite just isn't worth it." 

Frodo just nodded his head in agreement; he quit asking for explanation many leagues ago. A man dressed in a beige shirt and pants that were joined together appeared silently standing next to the faucet. The name 'Stu' was stitched across a small patch on the right side of his chest in Elf runes. "Yo," the man said. 

"Oh, hi Stu. Yeah it's on the fritz again. Would you mind wiggling the antenna around?" Galadriel asked. 

"Sure, no problem," The man walked over towards a large metal object sticking horizontal to the ground out of a tree's trunk. He grasped onto the end and moved it in a 90-degree angle, "This any better?" 

Frodo looked back into the mirror, "No. Wait, I think I see something. It looks like a man dressed in white. I, I cannot make out his face. Wait, it is gone again." 

Stu made some more adjustments before admitting, "I'm sorry Lady, but I'm afraid there's just too much tree coverage. All these gold leaves throw off the signal. Your reception will probably be down until winter's over." 

Galadriel sighed and tossed her head back, "Thanks anyway, Stu. I'll see you at the company picnic next week." 

"Bye," and the odd man was gone in a literal flash. 

Frodo blinked his eyes trying to rid his sight of some rather large black spots. "Well it's been a full day. Who's hungry?" Galadriel asked. 

Frodo spoke up, "My Lady, I shall give you the One ring if you ask it of me." 

Galadriel stared at his open palm, the ring complete with chain, shining in the fading light, "Well that'd be nice and all but I really can't. See I've already got one of the other elf rings and that would create a power surge or something like that. Besides, I can't seem to remember where I last left my old elf ring. I'm sure it will pop up eventually." 

Frodo closed his fist around the Ring and stuffed it immediately into his pocket, "Yes well, forget that I even asked." Then he turned to join the others making sure not to try the water on the way back. 

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Okay Peeps and Cadbury eggs, here's another wondrous chapter for you each to enjoy and review. Yeah you heard me, review. You see that cute little button over there. Yeah? Well you may want to, you know hit it and stuff. It's sure to make me write more and more and more. But don't even think about writing anything even vaguely negative. If you even suggest a single word that has been spelled wrong I shall release wave upon wave of killer bees at you. Bees the size of planets, just you wait and see. Oh yes bees many many bees. Whether your review or not I am going to finish this monster, so just try and stop me! I dare ya. 

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	11. Chappie 11: A Tale of Two Towers

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In a dark tower, there stood a dark man, with his dark staff, thinking dark thoughts, about his old dark robe. The dark man stared hard at his robe's arm, now a Pepto-Bismol pink. Sourman sighed and collapsed into his Lazy-Boy arm throne, "Jeeves! Jeeves, I need you?!" 

Immediately from the doorway to the dungeon a small man dressed in a black suit appeared. "You called Sir?" Jeeves asked through a puckered mouth. The butler always wore the look as though he were biting into a lemon. 

"Yes I did. Would you look at this." 

"Look at what, Sir?" 

"This!" Sourman waved his arms causing his neon robes to shake around him, "what in the name of Melkor happened to my clothes?" 

"Ah yes, I believe it was your daughter Mistress Amy. She tossed one of her red shirts into the load of your white robes." 

Sourman sighed and rolled his eyes. "Go and fetch my daughter," he said through clenched teeth. Jeeves vanished from the room, "This is worse than the time she got it in her head to tie dye my robes. Gandalf's never going to let me live that down." 

At that moment a small orb flew in through the window and landed in front of Sourman. The orb grew until it was six feet tall, then a young woman stepped out. Her hands smoothed down her walnut hair that was streaked with blue and green splots. She shook her head and uncrossed her eyes, "I don't care what they say, Orb is not the best way to travel." The woman looked up at Sourman, "You called for me father?" 

Sourman stared Amy in the eye, his voice dropping down into its hypnotizing tone. He started to speak then sighed. He wished his powers would work on that girl, "Amy, what have you done to my robes?" 

The woman looked at the old man and thought about turning him into a poison arrow dart frog but changed her mind, "Ah Dad, it's after Labor Day, white is so out." 

"But why pink?" 

"This place needs a little color. All this black is depressing." 

Sourman stuck his lip out and shifted his tongue around while he thought, "That reminds me, what did you do to my Orc army?" 

"Oh, now what's got your knickers in a twist?" 

Sourman summoned, "Blorg, Scurg, get in here." 

A small trap door in the floor popped open and two blood thirsty Orcs crawled up into the room. Their armor clanked and their skin cracked as they walked forward. The two stopped in front of their Lord and wished he couldn't really see them. 

"Why, oh why did you have to do that?" Sourman asked. 

"Oh okay fine, so I gave all of the Orcs a shower in perfume. Now they won't smell like death. You know that smell was really putting a damper on my keggers." 

Sourman took a deep breath and steadied his anger, "No, I'm not talking about the smell." 

"The hair?" Amy asked. 

"Yes, the hair." 

"Oh come on, you can't tell me they don't look so darling in their golden curls and look at Blorg here, he's got these killer tresses that anyone would die for all topped off with an impish little purple bow." 

"At least it's not pink," Sourman grumbled. 

"Pink, of course. Why didn't I think of that!" Amy raised her arms, preparing to cast a spell. 

"Stop!" Sourman commanded. He gave the two Orcs a withering glance and they retreated immediately, "I want you to change my army back now, Amy." 

"Oh," Amy whined, "but I don't wanna." Sourman was about to order again when Amy suddenly changed her mind, "All right, but I want them to take over Rohan. If you do that, then I'll remove the bows." 

"They are not ready. Our Uruk-Hai only number half the size that would be needed to defeat the Horse warriors of Rohan." 

"Ah come on, that Éomer is soooo cute. I want to overthrow his country! Please!!" 

Sourman rubbed his temple with his two forefingers. He stood up from his throne and walked over to the window. Isengard stretched out far, but the old Wizard could make out the circular wall. He then looked down into one of the gashes in the Earth and spotted an Orc curled up in one of the cauldrons sleeping. "Get to work you lazy bum!" Sourman yelled out, "You're supposed to attack Amon Hen tomorrow!" It was enough to startle the Orc causing the cauldron to tip and throw him thirty feet to the ground. 

"It is so hard breeding good help these days," Sourman turned and caught sight of his daughter who was now sitting crossways in his throne, a phone to her ear. "Sometimes I wonder why I was foolish enough to believe your mother. How could you be an Istari? You're not an old wrinkly man the Valar decided to punish by forcing us Maiar to Middle Earth. I'd remember seeing you at the meetings. But then why do you have so many powers if you are not my daughter? Oh I just wish someone would give me a sign." 

"Hey Dad," Amy called out, "I need ten bucks for a pizza." 

"That is not what I meant."   



	12. Chappie 12: Beware Geeks Bearing Gifts

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The company assembled on the banks of Anduin, debating upon where they should go next. After receiving a rather threatening eviction notice from Galadriel the night earlier they had all packed up and prepared to leave. "So what you are suggesting Boromir is that we take the ring to your city?" Aragorn said. 

"No, I do not in any way remember making that statement." 

"Oh well. . ." 

"But now that the suggestion has been brought up, I recommend we do that," Boromir said as he picked at a flower on the ground. 

"Why don't we just cut out the middle man and slip the ring right onto your finger!" Gimli roared. Boromir looked up at the dwarf, shock etched in squiggly little lines across his face. A quick shake of his head and Boromir's face reset. 

Legolas spoke up, "We could, uh, always, you know, take the ring to my er father's land." 

"Why in the world would we turn around and take the ring to Mirkwood?" Aragorn asked. 

"Well it was, uh, just a suggestion, you know." 

"What had Gandalf originally planed, Aragorn?" Frodo asked, the only Hobbit at the meeting. From the information he could gather Merry and Pippin had remained in the woods of Lothlorien, trying to build their own fortification. Sam was acting as head supervisor. 

Aragorn looked at Frodo, who squirmed under his gaze and found himself fingering the ring. 

"You don't know do you Aragorn?" Mar said, perched high up in a tree. 

Aragorn shook his head and abdicated to the spit-takingly beautiful girl, elf, no wait. What is she again? "You see," Mar said as she dropped perfectly onto the ground, "before Gandalf fell he told only me his secret plans, but I don't really think I want to tell you. Anyway, Boromir may wish to go back to his home, Minus Tiruthy." 

"I do?" Boromir interrupted. 

"But I say we take this river, Anduin, and waste more time giving the Orcs a greater chance to kill us all, before we make any kind of decision. Besides, I wouldn't want my little hobbity-wobbity to sprain his ankly-wankly," Mar said to Frodo who blanched at her innuendo. 

Everyone else nodded his head in agreement (to taking the river, not to Frodo spraining his ankle). Frodo, who was still trying to keep his stomach contents down said, "And how shall we travel this river? We have nothing but the soles of our feet, and I do not know about you men but us Hobbits could not float for miles." 

At that moment, a herd of elves crashed their party. The head elf thrusted Merry and Pippin forward, who were enjoying a rather nice lollypop (Sam walked freely), "The Lord caught these two trying to rip wood from the walls of his own room and would like to be rid of you as soon as possible. Therefor, we have been sent to speed up your departure." 

"All right," Aragorn said, "what exactly are you offering us?" 

The elves converged and talked noisily amongst themselves, "We have decided that we can give up three boats and a pallet of lembas." 

"I don't know," Aragorn said slyly, "that's not really making me want to leave this land. We may just stay and set up condos on the shore." 

"Fine, we'll throw in a bunch of cloaks for free," the head elf grumbled. 

"Then we have a deal. Everyone, let's get the hell out of here." 

The elves skulked back to their storage shed and pulled out three fairly seaworthy wooden boats (one only had nineteen or so patches in it), a box of cloaks and had their chef bring out some pre-made lembas. Aragorn and Boromir helped to load up the boats while Legolas and Gimli divided up the cloaks. Only too late, Mar was already strutting around displaying her new look, the duo realized they were one cloak short. 

Legolas tried to ask the head Elf for another cloak but he simply responded, "Look the script said eight, so Galadriel's only going to give you eight. You're just going to have to deal with it." 

"I uh, I guess we could um always make Merry and Pippin share. I doubt they'd really, you know, need a cloak that bad, you know," Legolas said. 

"Ooh, let me tell them they have to share," Gimli said a dark smile on his face, "I love to watch those two fight." The dwarf grabbed the one remaining cloak and joined the Hobbits who foolishly were put in charge of gathering the food. 

Merry stared hard at the square chunk of brown bread wrapped in a leaf, "So what exactly is this?" 

"Why don't you ask our head chef, Everil. Hey Everil get out here." 

A smaller elf with short black hair popped out from behind the counter. His bemoled mouth moved faster than Merry and Pip during a game of tag, "Hey all right, today we're gonna kick it up a notch by taking on lembas, the Elvish way-bread that's good enough to keep you on your feet for weeks even when its sure to lead to your death. We start off by stirring together two fist fulls of flour, something that kind of looks like white dirt, uh and the rest of this crap on my counter. Then we kick it up a notch by cutting in some butter and mixing in a few raisins for good luck. Bam! This then has buttermilk added to . . ." 

"All right all right shesh, I didn't ask for your life story. Pippin, Frodo grab the last two boxes. Let's get them on the boats before this guy gets started on microwave nachos." 

"Ah yes let's kick it up a notch with microwave nachos. Bam!" Everil got out before the other Elves pushed him back into the chef's oven. 

Gimli happily found the two Hobbits, "Merry and Pippin I get to tell you that . . ." 

He was interrupted by Frodo's gasp, "Is that a gigantic swan or do my eyes deceive me?" 

Merry, Pippin, and Sam all gathered around the shore and stared into the foggy murk down the river. A large white head with a slender neck peered hesitantly back through the fog. The rather large duck-like thing paddled through the water towards the company. In those moments a small voice could be heard being carried on the wind, "Hurry it up, at this rate we won't make it to shore for another year." 

"Oh yeah," a second voice answered, "you try paddling with these stupid pedals. They're bigger than my feet." 

"Maybe I should just jump into the water and pull you to shore." 

"Very funny." 

"Never mind," Frodo said sheepishly, "I guess I was wrong." 

The fellowship was packed and about ready to ship out when the swan boat (That's the gigantic swan by the way) finally docked, many curses later. The Lady Galadriel disembarked smoothly and stood before the company. Celeborn sat on the boat's bench, cooling his feet in the water for a few moments. 

"Before you leave we ask that you enjoy a light lunch with us next to the flowing river." She parted her arms then turned to glare at her husband, "Celeborn, drag your carcass over here. And don't forget about the picnic basket!" 

Everyone had a hearty meal of aged sweetbreads and head cheese (the moral of the story ask an elf Lady you meet in the woods what she is offering before you eat it) prepared by Everil, who thankfully did not pop up this time. Somehow, during Galadriel's incessant speeches on how much better things used to be, Celeborn managed to tell Aragorn about Emyn Muil, the Dead Marshes, and that they should avoid Fangorn. He also mentioned how high property taxes were in Rohan, and that now was the best time to refinance a mortgage. 

Boromir was about to say something regarding Fangorn, but Galadriel stood quickly and raised her cup in toast. "Now is the time to drink the cup of farewell," in reality she wanted to avoid listening to Boromir's ramblings for a few hours, "Um, a toast, uh 'Here's to you and here's to me and I hope we never disagree. But if that should ever be, to hell with you and here's to me.'" Then Galadriel emptied her cup and passed the bottle to the rest of the fellowship urging them to drink. Each did, without any serious peril, although Gimli did happily claim that he "got the worm." 

Galadriel bade that they sit again, even though by now the sun was threatening to set over the horizon. "Now as you each leave our land to try and find your own way, I offer to you each a small gift to help you along. Merry, I invite you to spin that wheel!" 

"What?" the Hobbit asked, severely confused. 

A large white sheet was removed from what had previously looked like a pile of wood, revealing a colorful wheel the size of a table set upon a stand. The wheel was cut into different slices; each slice containing a message. Merry walked up and read a few off, "Rope . . . Dagger . . . Trip for Two to Cancun?" 

"Now, Mr. Brandybuck, are you ready to play 'Wheel of Riches'!" Galadriel yelled out. All of the other elves, who had been hanging around for some reason, exploded into applause. 

Merry stared hard at the wheel not sure what to do. He placed his hand's up then put them back into his pockets quickly. Pippin was getting bored so he jumped up and challenged Merry, "Come on do something. It's not like time moves slower in Lothlorien!" 

"I am not really sure what I should do? Do I speak to this wheel?" 

"It's simple, you just do something," Pippin grabbed onto one side of the wheel and started to push it up. Merry, who would not be shown up by that little brat, grabbed onto the other side and pushed counter to him. The two fought against each other until leftover pieces of food hit them in the eye (Thanks to Gimli, who still had to tell Merry and Pippin about the cloaks). The two Hobbits let go and the wheel spun around a bit before coming to a stop. 

"Congratulations," Galadriel said, "you win a belt." She motioned to her servants to fish a belt out of the prize box. 

For the first time, everyone noticed a small arrow hung over the top of the wheel that was now pointing at the word 'Belt.' Merry's mouth dropped, "But that's not fair. Pippin screwed me up. I should get another turn." 

"You are right," Galadriel said, "As Mister Took had a helping hand in winning, you both get a belt." 

"Thanks a lot Merry. I should just use this to strangle you." 

"I'd like to see you try little man," Merry said. This was answered by a left jab from Pippin. The two Hobbits rolled into another fighting mess that no one was in any hurry to break up. 

As Merry and Pip rolled on the ground, heading towards river, the rest of the fellowship spun without requiring as much time as Merry. Legolas won a bow, but was so close to getting the new living room set! Boromir came out with another belt, and the servants had to tie two Hobbit belts together to fit him. Aragorn earned a sheath that was supposed to be magical or something, although he really would have preferred one of those cool daggers. Although none could beat Sam, who won dirt. But the Hobbit dealt with his loss gracefully and stuffed some elven rope in his pack while no one was looking. 

Mar came away with a 25 dollar gift certificate to Mr. Goody's. Mr. Goody's the only place in Middle Earth where you are sure to find what you are searching for. A lost map to a mountain, a magical jewel, a digital camera that can fit into your pocket? We've got it all here at Mr. Goody's! Just take I-90, right past Middle Earth's Wild Kingdom. 

Finally, it was Frodo's turn. He stared hesitantly at the board, not sure what he would do with a gift of dirt or a piece of paper, but he gave the wheel a rather hard spin anyway. The clackers clipped away at a good fifteen miles an hour; in fact, the wheel seemed to be gaining speed. Suddenly, behind the black arrow the wheel stopped at the word, 'Surprise.' Sirens wailed and lights flashed all around the group. 

"Bob," Galadriel said, "tell us what the Hobbit has won." 

A disembodied male voice spoke loudly, "Why nothing less than Galadriel's phile. Yes this small crystal cylinder that contains light from Earendil's star is made of top Austrian crystal. It will shine brightly for many years to come. No need to replace the batteries. Here's hoping it's a light for you when all others go out." 

Frodo accepted the fhile and held it cautiously in his hands, for fear that the voice could be in there. Then he placed the file into his pack and decided it was time to break up Merry and Pippin. 

Galadriel prepared to put away the wheel when Gimli coughed loudly, "Yes little Dwarf?" the lady asked. 

"What about me, don't I get a spin?" 

"Oh I am sorry, I completely forgot about you. How about this, you get one choice. You may choose for yourself one thing that I can give you." 

Gimli's eyes lit up as dreams of mithril and weaponry floated through his mind. His concentration was interrupted by Aragorn who yelled for him to make a decision and get in the damn boat. "Now just give me one hairs moment." 

"Very well," Galadriel undid one of her braids and hacked off some hair. She stuffed her tresses into his hand and turned to leave. "All right Celeborn, unhook the boat. Let's blow this popsicle stand." 

"No, that's not what I meant," Gimli cried out, "I don't want this. No, wait, give me an axe. A nice new axe," Aragorn grabbed onto the dwarf and pulled him towards Legolas' boat, "Or even a belt. I'll take a simple belt. Please!" 

Although it was probably a poor move, Merry and Pippin (who still had not been told about the cloak problem) were left together in Boromir's boat. Legolas tried to steer with a begrudging Gimli who kept trying to dash out at any moment to talk to Galadriel. Because of this, Mar was set in that boat and told to keep Gimli at bay. She did this by comparing how much cuter Legolas was to Gimli and occasionally stabbing the Dwarf with her fork. 

Frodo and Sam loaded up into the last boat with Aragorn. As Aragorn steered the boats away from Galadriel and Celeborn towards an unknown future, Frodo looked back at the golden wood, "Farewell Lorien, I fear I shall not look upon your like again." 

Sam looked his master in the face and said, "Frodo, shut up." 

(I'd like to thank Kate, or whatever she's calling herself now, for trying to make this chapter funny. You may not have been able to pull it off, but that's pretty much all my fault.)   



	13. Chappie 13: Row Row Row Your Log

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Aragorn's boat took the lead; the first defense should the fellowship come upon any rocks. In retrospect, it was not such a smart move as the ring-bearer was in there. Ah, who cares. Frodo sat in the bow staring hesitantly at where they were going. Aragorn, who was beginning to tire of carting the freeloaders around, passed an oar to Sam. The hobbit placed the wooden oar into the water and stroked expertly enough to have been on the Viking College rowing team. Frodo felt a small shudder through the boat as the power moved from the stern to the middle. He turned and was shocked to find his dear friend nonchalantly steering the boat around swift currents and large rocks. 

"Sam, I never knew that you could propel a boat. I always thought you were fearful of the water," Frodo said.   
  
Sam snorted and kept his eyes focused away from Frodo, "What a big surprise, Frodo doesn't know something about me. Oh why would I expect you to know anything about me, it's not as if my family has been the Baggins' gardener for generations. Oh wait, that's right we are. I'd appreciate it if you would not tell me what I should and should not be afraid of Frodo."   
  
Frodo could not take Sam's surly nature towards him anymore. Even though Sam offered kind assistance and a caring nature to every other member of the company, he acted coldly to Frodo. Something was wrong, "Sam, have I done something to offend you?" 

"Just leave me alone," Sam prepared to steer around a corner when out of no where another wooden boat flew past, its wake throwing Sam off. "Now look at what you've caused Frodo. Just return to being nothing more than luggage with eyes." 

Boromir's boat flew past everyone, as the man rowed at an insane speed. Pippin, who sat at the back of the boat, glanced behind them and yelled, "Faster, he want's to go faster." Boromir sighed out of weariness and amazingly managed to pick up the pace a bit more. His arms were flying back in forth in front of his face hastily; water spattering off in such huge spurts it looked as though the oar was sneezing at Boromir. 

Pippin turned away from Boromir, who looked like he was about two seconds away from a coronary episode, and gave a thumbs up to the water behind them. Had Boromir been able to reach speeds over thirty miles an hour it might have been seen. Currently Merry was hanging tightly onto the rope attached to the back of the boat and was towed through the water even though the Hobbit was entirely submerged leaving behind nothing but a second small wake. Every now and then a raised thumb would appear out of the water signaling to Pippin that Merry wanted to go faster. Pippin kept telling Boromir to go faster but it did not seem to help. Maybe they should have used skis as opposed to their own feet, Pippin mused, maybe that would work. 

All the way back in Legolas' boat things were not going too well. The Elf was trying to remain up with Aragorn but Gimli kept trying to spin the boat around. "Look Legolas, I got a hair. A bloody hair! I would not call the Lady's gift fair, would you?" 

Legolas, who currently had control of the boat, said, "Well, uh, you had one wish and that was what you know you said. So I mean it could have been uh worse." 

"Worse?! How could it possibly be worse?" 

"Well, you uh could have said that you were just a stone's throw away from coming up with an answer, and then she could have pelted you with rocks." 

Gimli shrugged his shoulders and stuffed the hair back into his pouch, "I guess you're right. Hey wait a minute, what happened to your stutter." 

"Oh you uh noticed. I've been taking some um lessons by mail. Yeah, every time I you know stutter I have someone hit me in the head with a shirt of mail." 

"Oh well," the Dwarf mused, "if you want I could always help you out." 

"That, would uh be much appreciated. Oh dear I just said it again didn't I," the Dwarf shrugged and trying to hide his smile started to dig through his pack looking for old mail, "Just try to avoid the face okay." Thus a strong and long-term friendship was forged. 

While Legolas was getting the stuffing beat out of him by Gimli (who was really enjoying it, even though he pretended he wasn't) the boat drifted off course and plowed into a floating log. The crash was enough to wake two rather drowsy people. Mar sprang up from the bottom of the boat, wiping sleep from her eyes. Consequently, a pair of yellow eyes flew open on the log and stared hard at the boat. As Mar stretched her arms and yawned, she caught sight of a snaky arm latched onto the boat. She grabbed it, and the creature with the yellow eyes hissed. For a moment, Mar thought about telling someone of her find but decided that the creature didn't look that dangerous. Besides Legolas and Gimli were busy, Boromir was no where to be found, Aragorn was sleeping, and Sam was trying hard to ignore Frodo. 

Instead Mar attempted talking to the creature, "Hello, my name Maralyn. But people call me Mar. What your name small white thing. Are you sea creature?" 

"Why you choose to talk like that is the first thing we would like to know," the creature said with his eyebrow slightly raised. 

"Only way know how talk to idiotic creature," Mar said, her hand still wrapped around the creature's arm. 

"Yes, well my name is not important." 

"I get that a lot," Mar interrupted. 

"I am following after a piece of property that was wrongly removed from my person. I would be ever so grateful if you could assist me in some fashion." 

Mar scratched her head, barely understanding what he said, "Do you like want help?" 

"Yes yes," the creature sighed heavily, "I would like your help." Then suddenly the creature started to cough hoarsely, "Gollum Gollum Sorry about that, I have had a touch of pneumonia that comes and goes every now and then." 

Mar shook her head in understanding then her face blanked, "I don't know what you want, but I know this person who may be able to help you." 

The creature hit himself in the forehead with his free hand as the other was still being held by Mar. With her free hand she fished into her pocket and withdrew a small rectangular piece of paper, "Here's the address of an old friend, but I'd be a little careful she can have some pretty major mood swings." 

The creature with no name (not to be confused with a horse with no name) took the paper. Mar released him and kicked his log away from the boat. She waved emphatically, "Oh and be sure to ask for Shelob. Bye. He seemed like a really nice guy." 

"We need to paddle for a while, I don't think Legolas will be getting up any time soon," Gimli said. He picked up the truant oar and passed the second to Mar. After instructing the girl that she hold onto the handle end in order to row the boat, they were off again. 

At that same time, Boromir collapsed into a crumpled sweating heap, his arms on fire. Pippin helped to pull a soggy Merry into the boat, turned to the exhausted man and said, "Okay, my turn." 

(Special thanks to Obelia medusa for giving me the phrase 'surly Sam.' I just love alliterations, so be lucky that this story isn't chopped full of 'em. Also thanks to the band America for giving me the chance to make a really horrid joke.)   



	14. Chappie 14: The End: A Good Spot To Stop

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As the dinner bell was ringing back in Lothlorien, the fellowship pulled their boats to shore and disembarked. Merry and Pippin took to building a fire in order to dry their clothes (Mental note, do not under any circumstances go water-skiing with half a cloak on). 

"Hey Pippin, I'll bet I can build a fire pit that's bigger than yours." 

"Oh yeah, you're on." The two hobbits dug into the shore, creating a sand shower. Most of the fellowship was covered in flying sand within a few minutes. 

Legolas looked down at Merry and Pippin, "Are you sure that this is um such a bright idea. I mean the Orcs could uh see the fire." 

Aragorn shrugged his shoulders and sorted through the different packs. Boromir, who was still catatonic, remained in his boat trying to rebuild lost muscle strength (ATP for any of you science geeks out there). Gimli dug out his whetstone (before Aragorn got to it) and sharpened his axe. Thankfully to Legolas' brain, he was too busy to notice the Elf's 'um's.' 

Mar joined Aragorn in his hunt through the luggage, "What are you doing?" 

"Looking for something, something that will help me in making my decisions," the Ranger answered as he shuffled through Boromir's Hawaiian shirts and Giml's NAA (National Axe Association) magazines. 

"Oh okay," Mar said, "hey Frodo, I just wanted you to know that I would be totally okay with you dying to save my life." 

Frodo started, which was a bit of a problem as Mar made her statement just as he was crawling out of his boat. His back hit the water hard, silencing the hobbit, and he slipped into the river. Sam rolled his eyes and reached down into the water. He pulled Frodo's face out by a clump of curly hair. Frodo sputtered as water ran over his features. "I had to end up protecting the biggest dunce in the Shire," Sam mumbled. Frodo crawled to the shore and collapsed. 

After collecting most of his thoughts, Frodo raised his head and found that a good deal of sand adhered to his lower face. Merry took a chance from his digging operation (that now required a pulley system to dump buckets of sand into the forest) to look up, "Hey Frodo, looks like you could beat Gimli in a beard contest." 

"Come on Frodo," Pippin said, "you're making all of us Hobbits look bad. We've spent centuries trying to convince people we can't grow beards and then you go and muck it all up." 

Frodo wiped at his face while the two cousins returned to their dig. "I found it!" Aragorn yelled. He removed a round stone that barely fit into his palm and as black as the Nazgul. Carrying the stone carefully, he sat down in a circle created by the others (aside from Merry and Pippin of course). "With this," Aragorn said proudly, "I can make decisions that won't end in people being kidnapped and or perforated with arrows. Right, magic ball?" As he asked this, Aragorn gave a good shake to the stone and peered into a small hole cut into its face. "It says' 'Yes' see," he said as he displayed the stone. A small white 'yes' was clearly visible within the hole. 

"Oh oh, what are we going to ask first?" Mar asked as she skipped back and forth on her feet, "I know," she picked the stone out of Aragorn's hands and gave it a good shake, "will I marry Frodo?" 

'It seems doubtful' the stone proclaimed. 

Frodo released a sigh he was not aware he was holding and said, "Had we better not ask of this stone a question regarding our journey?" Everyone stared dumbfounded at the Hobbit. "Where next we should go? Which path we should take," nothing was getting through, "Whether or not we should carry on to Minas Tirith or Mordor?!" 

The group stared hard, trying to digest the information but it wasn't getting through. "Oh that's stupid," Gimli said, "here give me that. I want to know how many Orcs I get to kill." 

Sam looked over at Frodo and shook his head slowly, "I do not know why you insist on acting as though you are the end all be all of this group, but it really is grinding on my nerves. I wish Bilbo had given the ring to Lotho." Then Sam walked away from Frodo and peered over Gimli's shoulder to get a better look at the stone. 

Frodo's mouth worked but no sound could come from his lips. He could not understand what had overcome all his friends. Blindly he headed into the forest turning over the events of the past few months. For hours he passed tree after tree never really noticing where he was, trying to understand what could have changed Sam and the others so much. It was possible that stress and fear could alter and warp even the most stable mind but never in his wildest dreams could Frodo imagine Sam acting this way. As he stumbled and climbed ever upwards, Frodo's smallest toe caught on a large stone ruin grounding the Hobbit. He screamed in fury and pain not over his much-bruised toe but the entire situation. Emotionally exhausted he collapsed onto a pair of ruins and sobbed. 

Back at the shore, Merry and Pippin reached the end of their digging (after hitting bedrock) and, forgetting about the original dare, agreed on their next move for a fire. "Hey Boromir," Pippin yelled two inches from the man's face, "get up!" 

Boromir sprung up out of his slumber, effectively head butting Pippin, causing the Hobbit to stagger backwards, "What?! Oh it is you, and the other one of you. What is it that you require from me?" 

Merry, who was still conscious (unlike his counterpart) said, "We need firewood, lots of firewood." 

"And it is not possible that another member of this fellowship could help you in anyway? Possibly Aragorn could gather some wood for you? Or Gimli might chop some down? I do not know what Legolas is doing but . . ." 

"No, they're all busy making important decisions and stuff." 

"Hey guess what, Legolas is gonna have five kids," Aragorn shouted for no good reason. 

Boromir rubbed his massively sore arms and sighed, "I suppose I could go into the forest and remove some bark for your little fire pit over there." He slid his half-awake body out of the boat and shuffled into the forest. Much to the man's annoyance, he soon discovered that practically none of the trees dropped any old branches anywhere near the shore. He was forced deeper and deeper into the woods. 

Anyway, quick jump back to Frodo who was still sitting on that ruined thing losing his marbles. "Perhaps it is this ring. Mayhap the pull of it has driven anyone I've come in contact with mad?" Frodo tugged on the chain dangling from his neck, his fingers coming to rest on the ring. 

"What are you doing?" 

"Ah!" Frodo screamed, the sudden voice causing him to jump and rip the chain from his neck. It left a stinging red scar that Frodo would bear to the end of his days. "You frightened me Boromir." 

"Oh sorry, I was just sent out here to collect firewood and kindling for the Took's and Brandybuck's fire. So," Boromir said as he picked up his third piece of wood, "what has brought you out here so far into the deep woods without any mosquito repellent?" 

Frodo eyed the man cautiously, thinking that it may not be wise to discuss his current thoughts. He kept his right fist closed about the ring and placed his left hand over that, "I just came out here to think." 

"Oh," Boromir said as he sat down next to Frodo, easily edging the Hobbit off the ruin, "Yes I often try to remove myself from those degenerates in order to have a few moments of peace and quiet to think for myself. I often think about many things, why the birds fly, what color the sky could be if it had a choice in the matter, whether or not steroids should be outlawed in baseball. What is it that you were thinking about?" 

Frodo, who was now standing freely, backed further and further away from the man of Gondor. The Hobbit thought he detected a shift in the man's voice. It seemed genuine, but there was an undercurrent of menace running about him, "I am simply contemplating on what would be the best route to take." 

"Oh okay," Boromir said happily and turned back to his growing woodpile. 

"No no no," a voice from the forest called out, "Now you're supposed to tell him to take the ring to Minas Tirith!" 

"Who, who said that?" Frodo stuttered staring about the trees. 

He was answered by a sigh and then a rustling from the high branches of a tree. A girl, no older than fourteen, fell from the tree landing on her feet. Her face was covered fully in something black and green causing her to appear more evil than usual. "Boromir, I thought we were clear on this." 

"Mar!" Frodo's uneasiness was not subdued from the appearance of this girl. In fact, he was now wishing Boromir had tried to take the ring without her interference. 

"I know," Boromir answered, "but you're too hung up on possessions man. I say that we should cast all of our belongings aside and run wild through the forest." 

"I told you there was no getting through to him," a new voice said. A harried (In fact he's always harry) Gimli joined the rest of the group. "We should have just taken the ring ourselves and hid it in Boromir's pocket or something." 

"No no no," Mar argued (In fact that seems to be her only way to argue) "that's not what happens in the movie, er, book. See I have watched it like fifty times and I know that Boromir has to take the ring so that everyone thinks he's evil and hates him otherwise he'll get more fan girls than Aragorn." 

"And, uh, what makes this 'fan girls' so important that Aragorn cannot bear to lose it?" Legolas said. 

"Oh it's not like you should care, I'm pretty sure it could be revealed in the third movie that you're Sauron and no one would care." Mar said to the elf that had magically appeared. Last Legolas knew he had been standing on the shore watching Merry and Pippin rip apart a boat for their own kindling. 

"And this is, um, a good thing?" Legolas stammered out. 

No one listened to him because at that moment Gandalf appeared dressed all in white. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Hang on. ***Rummages through piles of used paper and other things writers have, right?*** Oh okay, sorry Gandalf didn't appear scratch that. Anyway, no one listened to him because at that moment Aragorn showed up just because he didn't like being abandoned at the shore. "Hey guys, what are you up to?" 

"Boromir dropped the ball that's what," Gimli said, as he now tried his sharpened axe against some of the stone ruins. 

"It is not as though this is entirely my fault," Boromir countered. 

Frodo, who watched the entire scene unfold in pure disbelief, could not stand idly by anymore, "I cannot let the ring destroy their minds like this. I must set off alone." As the group argued over exactly who messed up Boromir's attempt to take the ring, Frodo dashed away, his fist still clenched tightly. 

The Hobbit ran over hill and dale, took the low road while I took the high road and I'll be in Scotland before ye. No wait, that's not right. Sorry, actually he found himself back at the shore, with only Sam to be seen. Sam was sitting next to one of the large holes, now full of water for some reason. Frodo tried to creep past without catching Sam's attention but the rustling of his cloak was enough to catch the other Hobbit's ears. 

Sam swiveled his head and saw Frodo pushing one of the boats away from the shore, "Hi! What are you doing? Frodo's stealing one of our boats!" 

Frodo paused for a moment and looked back at his friend, he had to do this to save them from themselves (or something like that), "I am sorry Sam but I must leave, and you cannot come with me." 

"Oh okay. Bye." 

Frodo shook his head in a moment, "You mean you are not going to demand to follow me, to keep your old promise?" 

Sam's face began to cloud in an anger that was becoming all too familiar to Frodo, "Why in the world would I want to do that? End up half dead, lying on some mountain that's about to erupt. Uh no, Frodo I'll be fine without you, I'm sure." Then without turning to look back at Frodo, the Hobbit walked into the forest to find Aragorn and the rest. 

Frodo squeezed his eyes tightly and turned to push the boat fully into the water. Suddenly two familiar heads sprung up, "We can go with you!" 

"AH!" For the second time that day Frodo screamed and paused for a moment to put his thoughts back in order. "Merry, Pippin, what are you doing in that boat?" 

Merry looked over at his cousin and shrugged, "We were playing hide and seek with Aragorn, but he's not very good at this game." 

"Yeah," Pippin chimed in, "it's been almost three hours and he still hasn't found us." 

"Listen, I . . ." Frodo began but the two younger Hobbits interrupted him. 

"Oh come on we'd be a great crew, I mean, Merry here knows how to row a boat and everything." 

"Yeah and um, we could help you pack and stuff," Merry said as Pippin and he started to go through Frodo's pack. "There's no way we'll need this stupid elf rope. It's so thin I'll bet it couldn't support a fly." 

"Perfect Merry, now we'll have more room for food," Pippin said as he stuffed in a handful of lembas, "and this thing. What is this thing," he asked as he held up the Lady's phial, "I mean what are you going to do with it, it's nothing but flea market junk." He threw the phial overboard and it sank to the bottom, "There, now we have enough room to bring Merry's putter." 

Frodo tried to catch the phial but his right hand still clutched the ring and out of shock his fist fell open. Merry took this moment to pick up the ring and hold it up to the light, "How much do you think this thing is worth anyway?" 

Pippin stared at the ring and then at Frodo's outstretched hand, "Not very much because it's fake." 

"Fake," Frodo garbled. 

"Yeah look at your hand," Pippin said, "the ring's already turned it green." Sure enough, the ring had left behind a circle of green on Frodo's palm. 

"You know what," Merry said as he bit into the ring, "I'll bet when that half Elf guy was operating on Frodo, he switched the real ring with this cheap knock off." 

"Hold on a moment," Frodo said as he tried to keep from hyperventilating, "what you're telling me is that we have come through eternal peril, lost Gandalf, had that mockery of a person join with us, wasted months traveling through Middle Earth and that is not the One Ring?" 

"Nope," Pippin said. 

Frodo shook his head as his eyes grew larger. He muttered something inaudible under his breath, "I can't bloody . . . brought this stupid piece of . . . all the way with scarcely a stop . . . almost died . . . and now it's nothing but a . . . fake." 

"So," Merry said, "are we going to leave now?" 

Frodo raised his head and looked at them, for the first time in this long and confusing journey coming to a clear decision, "You know what, you keep the ring and do with it what you like. I am heading back to the Shire for a long rest in my bed at Bag End." And with that Frodo shouldered his pack, turned North West, and began his long trek for home. 

"What are we going to do with the ring?" Pippin asked. 

Merry stared at the retreating figure of Frodo, who was still grumbling, then a light came on over his head, "Who's up for a game of ring toss!"   



	15. Appendix A

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Appendix A   
What happened to all those crazy Fellowshippers 

Frodo: Actually made his way safely to the Shire. He made sure to bypass Rivendell, which was now   
under constant attack from Mordor and headed straight to Bag End where he did not leave his bed   
for a month. Frodo died at the happy age of 124 forever denying that he had ever heard of the One   
Ring much less been involved in the quest to destroy it. 

Sam: Had a nice time exploring Middle Earth with Aragorn and company. Returned to Rivendell to have   
a nice talk with Elrond and see his beloved elves once more. Was entrapped with the War of the Ring   
and became a great general, slaying millions of Orcs. He was awarded lordship over most of Rohan   
and parts of Gondor and ruled with an iron fist until he was overthrown and banished back to the   
shire. After that, much was lost about Samwise the Terrible, although it is rumored that he got a job   
as a gardener for a Mr. Underhill. 

Aragorn: Returned to Rivendell and took Arwen with him to Las Vegas where they eloped. He returned   
in time to learn that the war was over and in fact, most of his birthright had been given over to that   
hobbit. For years he lay in wait planning and scheming. Then when the time was right he attacked   
Samwise when he was on the throne and gained control over much of Middle Earth. He really wanted   
to kill Sam, but Arwen stayed his hand and thus Sam was banished. 

Legolas and Gimli: After fighting fairly bravely in the war, the two decided to form a company based upon   
the success of Legolas' chain mail stutter lessons. They toured through much of Middle Earth and made   
it to number fifty on Forbes' Richest Fictional Characters list. But that was not enough for Gimli who   
suggested they expand. The last that was seen of the elf and dwarf they were heading for Valinor, with   
brochures and samples in hand. 

Boromir: Managed to survive Amon Hen without getting shot with a bunch of arrows, as there really never   
was any attack. Returned to Minas Tirith but on the way there slipped on the White Towers top step and   
fell to his death. 

Merry and Pippin: Kept on being difficult and annoying wherever they went. 

Mar: Using her magic fork she overthrew Sauron and became the new evil leader of the Orcs. Using them   
she assaulted Rivendell because that's where she thought Frodo was hiding. She almost won until her   
alarm clock went off and she had to go back to the real world and school. Thus the War of the Ring/Finding   
that cuttie Hobbit ended. 

Gandalf: After falling through the depths of the mountain he discovered that his powers were better put to   
use in helping the creatures that lived in the bowels of Middle Earth. Gandalf acted as many dark creatures   
lawyer, snagging an Orc toll for anyone who wanted to pass Shelob's lair, a Balrog preserve, and forming   
a union for the mole people. Currently he is working to end the segregation of Orc and Elf schools. 

Sourman: Failed attempt after failed attempt at trying to breed an army of Orcs and goblins led to him falling   
into the bottle. Once his daughter Amy showed up claiming that Lurz and her were to be married Sourman   
snapped and drove his wagon into a wall. A judge ordered him to detox where Sourman cleaned up his   
act. He has been sober for ten years and is currently traveling to schools telling students about the   
horrors of drink and why breeding Orcs and goblins really isn't such a good idea. 

The Ring: You thought I'd forget about this didn't you, didn't you? Well you are wrong. Elrond kept the ring   
happily for many years next to his growing museum that contained the shards of Narsil, a Balrog's whip,   
and an explanation for exactly what the hell Tom Bombadil is. But after many years, Elrond fell on hard   
times and he had to sell most of his treasures. The ring was melted down and ended up being sold to   
some nice people at New Line Cinema. They then used this gold of evil in the construction of their DVD's   
for their recent blockbuster fantasy movie.   
  
  
  


About the Author 

Blablover5 AKA Sabrina Jansma is a college student who spent a month or so working on this because she couldn't get a job as no one wants to hire people for three months. In reality if she had it her way she'd much rather have worked and made money than created this monstrosity, but what're ya gonna do. 

Surprise surprise her favorite character is actually Sam, maybe that's why she made him overlord, and she watches too much of the History channel. 

Thanks so much for sticking this thing through to the end, I hope you enjoyed yourself and if you would like to leave such a comment behind please feel free. Oh and wipe your feet next time. 


	16. There Is No Chapter 16

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What did I just tell you! There is no chapter 16, so beat it. Oh unless you were kind enough to write some type of review. In which case please feel free to read the next part we lovingly call: A whole bunch of kissing up. There's so much praise we had to reorder half way through.   


RAM: Well I hope you eventually managed to find my MST, wherever   
you have gotten too. I do not know how much I have been able to   
stop a Mary Sue (My odd sense of humor tends to only work on   
those who are willing to think about it at least for a moment. Sadly,   
I suck horribly at shock value. There's just no hope for me). On   
another note, it does in fact appear as though that certain fic I did   
MST has vanished from the site, and I feel a little bad about it.   
Maybe it's undergoing a reconstruction. All I ask is please, no   
froth-barrier. That's just disturbing. 

Mbradford: I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, at least I hope the tears   
aren't from my habit of routinely missing typos during that long   
editing debacle. I have to admit, I really really came to despise my   
main Mary Sue (Mar) as this story went on. For a few scenes I   
almost forgot to even include her. (This also happened with Legolas   
in one scene, good luck figuring out which one). If I could   
recommend a few other good parodies I've come across: "From   
MarySue to MarySue, The Legolas story", "Charisma Goes Abroad,"   
"Me, You and a Hobbit Named Sue," "Mary Sue Parody Parody"   
and "Concerning Mary Sues and Other Essays" among a few others. 

Fuzzy Hobbit: Thanks for the review and all and I hate to be the one to   
tell you this, but it actually is supposed to be funny. So laugh, laugh   
your head off. Even if it's at the fact that I can't do humor, as long   
as you're laughing I got my job done. 

Laura: Thank you for the more more more. I cannot help but be   
reminded of a certain show produced in the Twin Cities area that   
involved a few robots and bad movies and one of their earliest praise   
was exactly that. Frankly I hope Legolas isn't as dumb as I make   
him otherwise I wouldn't have trusted him with a bow and quiver   
full of arrows. 

Madmartigan: I hope you enjoyed my other MSTs although I must   
admit I have been working on them for, hang on, carry the one,   
replace that button, oh since about 1999, so if some of the early ones   
seem a little bit, well, stupid, please forgive me. The fact that some of   
my latest ones are stupid are completely my fault though. So feel free   
to blame me for those. 

Emerald Griffin: I haave to aadmit it waas difficult not to go baack to try   
aand fix some of my earlier chaapters. But what's interesting is that I   
wanted to show how some writers will have an almost script format in   
nothing but dialogue and I kept that feel for the first few chapters.   
Then I really got tired of it and had to stop. Little warning if you ever   
plan on writing a parody that is stink-o-rama, do it in short bursts with   
plenty of water and rest between activities. And don't go writing until   
thirty minutes after you've eaten. 

Obelia medusa: Thank you for helping in getting my review count through   
the roof (Well it is through the roof for me). It is nice to have some one   
tell me what few things I did right in each chapter so I know what to leave   
during the great demolition. I'm not so good at that, I guess I just like to   
take the whole story in and the digest it. Or maybe I read too many essays   
by Bacon. (Whatever you do do not take 'Of Studies" literally. I have yet   
to find a sauce that can make digesting any book easy.) I had in fact   
completely forgotten that Sev Trek and Fraud of the Ring called everyone's   
favorite Wizard of Many Colours Sourman. That name for me actually was   
born of a misspelling. Yeah I accidentally typed Saruman and then I thought   
it'd be funny if I just misspelled his name throughout his chapter. In the first   
chapter, I spelled it right. Or it is a reference, whatever. Now I just have to go   
and finish reading your epic masterpiece assuming I can avoid having to help   
rain those little doggies. People no matter how cute they look, having three   
black labs is just asking for trouble. 

elfiegurlofleggy858: Wow that's a lot of X's and O's. What about Q, I always   
feel that poor letter doesn't get enough use. Sorry, was getting side tracked   
there. I'm also sorry Im a realy bad writer I will try better in the future. Oh   
who am I kidding, no I won't. Also in the end I chose Frodo to be the   
star/straight man because it just made the most sense. FOTR is all about that   
little hobbit and he is the main focus of everyone's attention so it would be   
best if he reacted to everyone else going insane instead of him being insane.   
But I'll still get on that not being able to write thing. 

Tindomiel: I'm really glad you enjoyed this so much you think God himself   
would find it hilarious. Although I'm sure He's got much more important   
things to do. After all, He can't go back to His reading until He's finished   
His chores and Order of the Phoenix just hit stores in heaven. 

Kate the Great: I don't know why I should even talk to you. I'll just see you l   
ater at that stupid county fair. Oh wait that's right we're on. In defense of the   
actual person who wants to go on and become a writer she only helped me   
with one chapter, and I did ignore quite a few of her helpful comments (See   
lazy). So she is in no way responsible for this gurgling pile of drudge. I'm   
sure she can come up with her own gurgling pile of drudge all on her own. 

Merigold: Thanks, have a cookie. (But not just like my mom used to make.   
She's a big fan of having the cookies catch on fire) For a while I actually   
thought about continuing and mocking the Two Towers and Return of the   
King. Then I realized that one I am still too lazy and two I had screwed up   
the timeline too much. Frodo was originally going to head off into Mordor   
not with Sam but with Merry and Pippin, and with my version of Merry and   
Pippin they would have lasted about of two and a half minutes. Plus my   
straight man, Frodo, was leaving a lot of the action behind. I suppose, as I   
never really gave Aragorn any character (another lazy little move on my part),   
he could have suddenly become a second straight man, but I'm fairly sure   
those two cousins would have lost the ring somehow. Oh well, there's   
always next summer. 

Tinania Lindaleriel: I'm glad you can follow directions. I do hope that if and   
when you do actually read this stupid thing it doesn't turn your brain to   
mush. I've been getting that a lot. Well I'm out of words, but given the   
choice would you choose P or Q?   


Well that's really it and now I think I'd best be putting my brain to better use and need to be weeding the garden. Have fun reading! Toodles.   



	17. There Is No Chapter 16

`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~` 

What did I just tell you! There is no chapter 16, so beat it. Oh unless you were kind enough to write some type of review. In which case please feel free to read the next part we lovingly call: A whole bunch of kissing up. There's so much praise we had to reorder half way through.   
  

RAM: Well I hope you eventually managed to find my MST, wherever   
    you have gotten too. I do not know how much I have been able to   
    stop a Mary Sue (My odd sense of humor tends to only work on   
    those who are willing to think about it at least for a moment. Sadly,   
    I suck horribly at shock value. There's just no hope for me). On   
    another note, it does in fact appear as though that certain fic I did   
    MST has vanished from the site, and I feel a little bad about it.   
    Maybe it's undergoing a reconstruction. All I ask is please, no   
    froth-barrier. That's just disturbing. 

Mbradford: I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, at least I hope the tears   
    aren't from my habit of routinely missing typos during that long   
    editing debacle. I have to admit, I really really came to despise my   
    main Mary Sue (Mar) as this story went on. For a few scenes I   
    almost forgot to even include her. (This also happened with Legolas   
    in one scene, good luck figuring out which one). If I could   
    recommend a few other good parodies I've come across: "From   
    MarySue to MarySue, The Legolas story", "Charisma Goes Abroad,"   
    "Me, You and a Hobbit Named Sue," "Mary Sue Parody Parody"   
    and "Concerning Mary Sues and Other Essays" among a few others. 

Fuzzy Hobbit: Thanks for the review and all and I hate to be the one to   
    tell you this, but it actually is supposed to be funny. So laugh, laugh   
    your head off. Even if it's at the fact that I can't do humor, as long   
    as you're laughing I got my job done. 

Laura: Thank you for the more more more. I cannot help but be   
    reminded of a certain show produced in the Twin Cities area that   
    involved a few robots and bad movies and one of their earliest praise   
    was exactly that. Frankly I hope Legolas isn't as dumb as I make   
    him otherwise I wouldn't have trusted him with a bow and quiver   
    full of arrows. 

Madmartigan: I hope you enjoyed my other MSTs although I must   
    admit I have been working on them for, hang on, carry the one,   
    replace that button, oh since about 1999, so if some of the early ones   
    seem a little bit, well, stupid, please forgive me. The fact that some of   
    my latest ones are stupid are completely my fault though. So feel free   
    to blame me for those. 

Emerald Griffin: I haave to aadmit it waas difficult not to go baack to try   
    aand fix some of my earlier chaapters. But what's interesting is that I   
    wanted to show how some writers will have an almost script format in   
    nothing but dialogue and I kept that feel for the first few chapters.   
    Then I really got tired of it and had to stop. Little warning if you ever   
    plan on writing a parody that is stink-o-rama, do it in short bursts with   
    plenty of water and rest between activities. And don't go writing until   
    thirty minutes after you've eaten. 

Obelia medusa: Thank you for helping in getting my review count through   
    the roof (Well it is through the roof for me). It is nice to have some one   
    tell me what few things I did right in each chapter so I know what to leave   
    during the great demolition. I'm not so good at that, I guess I just like to   
    take the whole story in and the digest it. Or maybe I read too many essays   
    by Bacon. (Whatever you do do not take 'Of Studies" literally. I have yet   
    to find a sauce that can make digesting any book easy.) I had in fact   
    completely forgotten that Sev Trek and Fraud of the Ring called everyone's   
    favorite Wizard of Many Colours Sourman. That name for me actually was   
    born of a misspelling. Yeah I accidentally typed Saruman and then I thought   
    it'd be funny if I just misspelled his name throughout his chapter. In the first   
    chapter, I spelled it right. Or it is a reference, whatever. Now I just have to go   
    and finish reading your epic masterpiece assuming I can avoid having to help   
    rain those little doggies. People no matter how cute they look, having three   
    black labs is just asking for trouble. 

elfiegurlofleggy858: Wow that's a lot of X's and O's. What about Q, I always   
    feel that poor letter doesn't get enough use. Sorry, was getting side tracked   
    there. I'm also sorry Im a realy bad writer I will try better in the future. Oh   
    who am I kidding, no I won't. Also in the end I chose Frodo to be the   
    star/straight man because it just made the most sense. FOTR is all about that   
    little hobbit and he is the main focus of everyone's attention so it would be   
    best if he reacted to everyone else going insane instead of him being insane.   
    But I'll still get on that not being able to write thing. 

Tindomiel: I'm really glad you enjoyed this so much you think God himself   
    would find it hilarious. Although I'm sure He's got much more important   
    things to do. After all, He can't go back to His reading until He's finished   
    His chores and Order of the Phoenix just hit stores in heaven. 

Kate the Great: I don't know why I should even talk to you. I'll just see you l   
    ater at that stupid county fair. Oh wait that's right we're on. In defense of the   
    actual person who wants to go on and become a writer she only helped me   
    with one chapter, and I did ignore quite a few of her helpful comments (See   
    lazy). So she is in no way responsible for this gurgling pile of drudge. I'm   
    sure she can come up with her own gurgling pile of drudge all on her own. 

 Merigold: Thanks, have a cookie. (But not just like my mom used to make.   
    She's a big fan of having the cookies catch on fire) For a while I actually   
    thought about continuing and mocking the Two Towers and Return of the   
    King. Then I realized that one I am still too lazy and two I had screwed up   
    the timeline too much. Frodo was originally going to head off into Mordor   
    not with Sam but with Merry and Pippin, and with my version of Merry and   
    Pippin they would have lasted about of two and a half minutes. Plus my   
    straight man, Frodo, was leaving a lot of the action behind. I suppose, as I   
    never really gave Aragorn any character (another lazy little move on my part),   
    he could have suddenly become a second straight man, but I'm fairly sure   
    those two cousins would have lost the ring somehow. Oh well, there's   
    always next summer. 

Tinania Lindaleriel: I'm glad you can follow directions. I do hope that if and   
    when you do actually read this stupid thing it doesn't turn your brain to   
    mush. I've been getting that a lot. Well I'm out of words, but given the   
    choice would you choose P or Q?   
  

Well that's really it and now I think I'd best be putting my brain to better use and need to be weeding the garden. Have fun reading! Toodles. 


End file.
